Lindley Diary : Oh! It's D. It's D.
If you've been reading this website in chronological order, you may get the
impression that many of us didn't take our education too seriously. The fact
is, we did
take education seriously. Only at the points when it threw up
exams and the like. The rest of the time (approximately 87% of it) was spent
larking around. And here, dear reader, you can indulge yourself, as we indulged
ourselves, in the trials and tribulations of the wondrous period known as third
For added comfort, the Lindley Diary does not include the many vast
intellectual debates we had about flatulence, masturbation, hip hop, films, Big
Brother, alcohol, tea-making, women, takeaways, money, sleep and masturbation.
It also does not take into account the periods of stress, panic and overall
melancholy of actually knuckling down and doing some, deep breath, work.
So, lie down, relax and let the world of Lindley Court House D
you for, oh, I'd say a good five minutes.
Weeks 0-9 (October 2001 to December 2001)
We're Back! :
Well, at least four of us,
anyway. Al, Dan, Richard and Toby of House of Bamboo fame reconvened after
three months spent at home, along with eight other miscreants, under the roof
of Lindley Court House D of Halifax College. Phew. The first day was spent in
polite conversation about the University and the like, when it became apparent
to all that there were in fact nine third years and three first years living in
the house. The day came to a ragged close, the first years probably crying
themselves to sleep over the fact that they would be spending most of next year
with a right bunch of bastards. How right they would be...
Fire Alarms (part one) :
The first three or
four days spent in the house were occupied with unpacking, getting acquainted
with the surroundings and generally engaging in the standard 'What degree are
you doing' conversations. However, the tone of what was to come in the
following 365 years was immediately set by the room 13 occupant known as Aaron
Tinney. Mr. Tinney in his infinite wisdom decided to make some toast in his
room using the kitchen toaster. The only problem was he forgot all about it and
set off the freaking fire alarm. At 2 in the morning, no less. What followed
was a lecture from the firemen and a few frowns gestured in the direction of
Tinney. However, he wouldn't be the only arsonist the house had to offer...
Oy gobshite! :
Following a lovely night out
at Toffs, Richard decided to impress the neighbourhood with his newly-acquired
record player and record collection, by playing 'Grandma We Love You' at full
volume. Of course, not all members of the University share in such sentiments,
as demonstrated by a member of House F calling Richard a 'gobshite'. Was
Lindley D beginning to get a reputation?
Fire Alarms (part two) :
Still in the first
week of term and a second fire alarm is caused by Lindley D. This time at the
more un-Godly hour of 3am. And why? Brett (probably in Vampire mode) cooking
beefburgers and burning them, that's why. Again, we got the same lecture from
the firemen, who somehow forgot about the last alarm, and also mistook us for
first years. Goddamn their eyes! This little incident also cemented D's
reputation immediately, as impetuous neighbours exclaimed 'Oh! It's D again!
It's D!' Slack-jawed troglodytes.
Thankfully, the house had a nice,
big kitchen and so it wasn't unusual for several house members to sit around
the table for a nice, quiet game of Shithead, the card game of champions.
Regular Shithead sessions lasted for up to five hours at a time, with Rock the
unofficial champion and Dan as the official loser.
I wouldn't say no :
It makes sense that the
two old women of the house, Al and Richard, would incorporate tea-drinking into
the house. Deprived of a teapot, they could still make a fine brew to sup while
discussing the events of the day. 'I wouldn't say no' is the standard repsonse
to being asked if one would like a cup of tea. May we recommend Yorkshire Tea
and a Classic biscuit on the side. Yes!
Page 3 Gallery :
More kitchen antics reared
their ugly head when we decided to create a gallery of all the Page 3 girls
from copies of the Sun and the Star we had lying around. Surprisingly, the
gallery flourished quite well, drawing disgusted looks from nosy parkers
looking through the kitchen window. However, the gallery died a swift death
after we started putting up pornography (partially hidden by other posters).
Some people just go too far.
It's gotta be Toffs, Toffs, Toffs! :
the middle of term, Toffs nightclub returned to be crowned the king of the
three town nightclubs. In the second year, The Gallery reigned supreme what
with its funky 60's thing on Thursday nights. However, in the third year, Toffs
bounced back inexplicably and The Gallery was shunned to the sidelines. No one
knows why this occurred, but would it last?
Oh dear. If you've been
reading the 'timeline' sections of this website in order, you may or may not
have picked up on the fact that we act quite gay toward each other when under
the influence of alcohol. In the third year, we defined such acts as
The prime example of homosensuality in the first term was carried out by five
anonymous members of the house, following a barmy night out at The Gallery. The
early hours of the morning were spent singing 'And You Can Say Baby' at the top
of our voices, four on Dan's bed and one on the floor. But, much to our
disappointment and embarrassment, we were stopped in the act by two porters,
who saw the whole sorry set up. Needless to say, we didn't stop our beautiful
serenading and got further lambasted by the porters for being too loud, even
though they accepted 'boys will be boys'. Ooo-er missus.
Ken Manchild :
Dubbed Ken by the Lindley D
House, the cleaner cut a pretty anonymous figure in the house. However, he
would always clean the entire house efficiently and without complaint even if
no end of shite was spread around the kitchen. His unfortuate surname is
derived from his timesheet, spotted when the cleaner's cupboard was left open
one bright, sunny day. We love you, Ken!
Naughty but Nice Neighbours :
Lindley D was
quickly re-affirming it's reputation time and time again. However, this
incident may have suggested we weren't alone in our attitude toward Halifax
A particular suspect of noise pollution was Aaron, who would continuously play
the chorus of 'Sweet Child of Mine' on his guitar. Tinney wasn't so
inconsiderate to play during the morning hours but this didn't stop a
particularly psychotic neighbour to ritually complain to the University porters
anyway. It finally transpired that she was moved by the University to harrass
other people, as explained by a lovely letter we received from the house she
lived in. Had we found our partners in crime? No.
Keith 4 Chair :
We were rapidly approaching
the end of the first term, and in University terms, this means the student body
elections are just around the corner. O joy! For the uninitiated, student body
elections are mainly made up of self-important people annoying everyone else
with phony ideas that they will never carry out, just so they can have
something to put on their CV. Something had to be done. Enter Keith Chegwin.
The obsession with Keith had reached such a stage that Al and Richard decided
that he was knowledgeable and personable enough to become the 'Chair' of the
college. What followed was a post-midnight poster campaign highlighting Keith's
policies, which included '24hr big screen porn in the bar', 'stripper nights'
and 'the provision of a duck-powered monorail between Halifax College and the
rest of the campus'. Of course, it didn't go down well with the squares of the
college but the election results were left undisclosed so we will never truly
know how popular Keith's reign would have been.
Bah Humbug :
Christmas was on it's way and
for many, lectures were over (even before they began for some). To celebrate,
several of the house members decided to go off to the Halifax campus event. As
with many of these events, not many people turned up so this left plenty of
room for Al, Dan, Andy and Richard to perform an impromptu YMCA routine. Who
said we were homosensual?
Well, piss off then :
We still here? The
first term had reached it's end. Even though we'd had our fair share of
hijinks, it was nothing compared to the second term. Uh oh.
Weeks 10-19 (January 2002 to March 2002)
The term of work :
Unlike Wentworth, we had
the rooms for 38 week lets rather than 30 week lets. This meant the ritual of
packing up all our gear to take home and then bring back after Christmas was
not required. Phew. 2002 heralded a new dawn in the work arena for many of us.
Al and Blonde Tom had exams in the first week to look forward to, as well as
the completion of a yet-to-be-started 3 month project in the subsequent ten
weeks. Truly, this was a term of work. Or would it be? No. Again.
If term one was the term of
Shithead, term two was the term of Scrabble. The novelty of Shithead had
already worn off before Richard returned with a mighty selection of board
games, of which Scrabble rapidly became the house favourite. And we'd destroyed
all five packs of cards anyway.
We meet again, MD Berrill :
The lure of
joining his House of Bamboo cohorts proved just too strong for Mike, who
returned to campus accomodation a little into the second term. Situated just
around the corner in House F, Mike would ultimately provide the link between
our house and - shock! - actual females.
(Bin) surf's up! :
One or two weeks into the
term, the first real night of madness took place thanks to the effects of wine,
or as Al affectionately calls it, 'vino'. The night started with a few drinks
in the bar followed by a gathering in the kitchen. Al mistakenly then proceeded
to drink wine, recognising the effect it had on him by chanting 'I can't take
my vino, I can't take my vino...' Oh, I forgot to mention that all this is on
tape somewhere, as Richard brought his bazooka-sized camcorder back with him
after Christmas and captured the events of this night for all to see.
Anyway, Al, true to form, rapidly became soused and proceeded outside, where he
comandeering a wheelie bin, sat atop it and 'surfed'. Of course, this led to
disaster as the bin almost crashed into a bollard and Al had to quite literally
jump ship. To this day, Al refuses to watch the tape even though it has been
shown to everyone who had paid a visit to D. Gargh.
'General Partying' :
Our first official
warning. The actual reason for this first slap on the wrists was actually
caused by the speech generator on Al's then-new computer and not the above
event, as one may have deduced. Ever-willing to find the comedy in the most
mundane things, Al, Dan and Richard whacked up the computer speakers to full
volume, sat them on the window frame and used the speech generator to insult
the adjacent house. This didn't go down too well and the official warning
resulted. At least we got to call them all gay in a Stephen Hawking voice,
Oh no! Not Lindley D :
At least all our
efforts were not in vain. A bog-standard post-midnight rampage around Halifax
College resulted in Al, Dan and Richard ensconcing in a random house, all in
the name of community spirit, mind you. However, events rapidly soured as we
innocuously mentioned we were from Lindley D. This led to one of the girls
giving us a disgusted look, exclaiming 'Oh no! Not Lindley D!'. Of course, we
took great delight in this minor revelation that were now world famous. Yes!
Chutney Ferret :
Without doubt, the funniest
night in Lindley D's history and proof, if proof need be, that we were one of
the worst accomodation blocks on campus.
As with all these nights, the night started quite innocently, with a few drinks
around campus. Upon our return to the kitchen, we decided to play Dare, from
Richard's newly-acquired board game selection. So far so dull. However, madness
was soon around the corner as we were interrupted by a drunken knock at the
window. A friend of Mike's recognised the buffoon as his Thai Boxing coach, no
less, and invited him in.
Obviously heavily soused, and carrying an almost empty vodka bottle, our new
found friend proceeded to insult everyone and anyone in the kitchen. In
particular, he referred to Toby as a 'Chutney Ferret'. Things started to get a
bit out of hand as the ruffian began to threaten people and wouldn't leave
(incidentally, Mike's friend, who had invited this guy in, had long since
left). Henceforth, everybody left him in the kitchen, as Al and Toby proceeded
to meet the takeaway guy to pick up a delivery.
This is where things get bizarre. As Al and Toby are walking up to another
college to pick up their takeaway, a police car asks where Halifax College is.
We duly oblige, not before noticing an ambulance heading in exactly the same
direction. What was going on? Al and Toby return to Halifax College, thanks to
a lift from the takeaway guy and immediately spot the police car and ambulance
outside Lindley Court. Uhoh.
Fearing the worst, Al and Toby return to house D, trying to sneak a peek in the
kitchen window to see if we were the cause of the fuss. Entering the house we
are greeted by three ambulance men, two porters and two police officers trying
in vain to get the Thai boxing guy out of the kitchen. Furrowed brows were sent
in our direction as we deny all knowledge and are instructed to go to bed by
'Oh no! It's Lindley D', indeed.
Fire Alarms (part three) :
alarm, this time caused by Wacky Phil and Little Phil having a waterfight in
the ground floor corridor. Some of the water splashed on the fire alarm,
inexplicably setting it off. This being the third fire alarm caused by D, the
head of the college paid us all a visit and we received our second written
warning. They were beginning to look good pinned up on the kitchen message
At least the Yanks get one thing right :
frustrated single men, Al and Aaron decided to partake of some pornography. Of
course, being gentlemen, they ordered the video through mail order rather than
suffer the indignity of buying it from an actual licensed sex shop. Lord, no.
The video of choice was Barely Legal 2 from the mages at Hustler. What we got
for our £20 was some top quality pornography, including a scene with two
cheerleaders screaming as if they were being killed with pain. Bargain!
"Can I have you out of your beds please?" :
would turn out that Ken the Cleaner would be leaving us soon, as indicated by
the fewer appearances he was making in the house towards the end of the second
term. In his place, we had three witches who would continually lambast us for
things Ken would be far too mild-mannered to care about. This soundbite
represents the first time we would be introduced to our new cleaners, at 8am in
the morning, no less. Things were making a turn for the worse.
Fake Vomit :
Budding anarchists Al, Dan and
Richard were not very happy with Halifax College, especially the 'events' that
would be laid on in the campus bar. To cause trouble, the three varmints cooked
up some fake vomit to be used at will outside the event. Ah ah ah! It turns
out, via trial and error, a good fake vomit is composed of:
Francs for the mammary (Ha!) :
4% HP Sauce
Hmm. Have to be careful here. More so than in the first term, the second term
was spent trying to get acquainted with some of the neighbours. However, being
social retards, this took the form of insults (Aaron), drunken leching (Dan)
and random chanting (Al, Toby). The target of the random chanting was a girl
who lived in the adjacent house, famed because Al continually perved on her
from his room (No!). Anyway, this continued well into third term too. Truly,
what a sad bunch we were.
Dangling tentacles :
So, we're now at the
end of a hectic term again. Al and Blonde Tom managed to finish off their
projects having spent three weeks in and out of Vampire mode. The various
states of mind the projects were written in were reflected by the contents of
the project reports. Al managed to work in the phrase 'dangling tentacles' four
times in one paragraph, while Blonde Tom managed to fit in the word 'naive' at
every opportunity. Of course, it must be noted that Ginger Tom is the master of
bizarre report-writing, managing to work in 'Noel Edmonds', 'Mary Poppins' and
'Santa Claus' into his ouevre
My, how time flies. The third
term was almost upon us and would, for many of us, represent the term in which
most of the hard work had to be carried out. Third class degrees were still on
the cards. How would we fare? And, could we stop horsing around for just
Weeks 20-29 (April 2002 to June 2002)
The Final Final Stretch :
The final ten
weeks of University life (for some of us anyway) were now facing us square in
the chops. We had seventy days to turn around our degrees. But that didn't stop
us from stooping to levels of depravity never seen before in the city of
Lindley Court. Bring it on!
Sink to a new low :
Not one of Al's proudest
moments so let's be brief. He pissed in another house's kitchen sink, OK? All
thanks to Wine Strike
I could kick your ass! :
A night at the
Charles a couple of weeks into the third term provided the catalyst for this
particular incident. In the middle of polite conversation with his chums, Al is
interrupted by a guy from the house which so gleefully provided the
urination-kitchen sink interface. It turns out there were no hard feelings and
we are invited back to the house. Al, Dan and Toby stagger back to the house,
only to be met by more of the house residents, obviously soused and feeling
violent. This leads to Al and Toby being threatened menacingly, particularly
Toby, who is confronted by a Yank, claming to be a black belt in 'karate'. Of
course, being light-hearted fellows we take it in jest and a fun night was had
by all. Not before we called them all wankers and ran off into the night.
That'll learn 'em.
This night is badly smeared
by alcohol once again, but it led to Al and Toby comandeering a chair from the
computer room, taking it outside, and proceeding to 'do a Jackass'. Al sat in
the chair and egged on Toby to push him faster and faster towards inanimate
objects. Of course, it all ended in tears as we draw the attentions of irate
college members and ultimately college porters. It was four in the morning
after all. Still, spoilsports, eh?
Remember we had to still finish off
our degrees? Well, the middle to end of the term was spent doing just that.
Hence, not much in the way of hilarious hijinks. Not to worry, let's skip
forward a couple of weeks...
I'm blind! :
Which brings us neatly into the
final fortnight of the third term. Exams over for most of us, we could finally
let our hair down once again. And we all know what means. Yes! Yet more wanton
destruction and unfathomable cruelty to minorities.
Twas a night unlike any other, as a Halifax College campus event acutally ends
with some of us having a good time. However, to further satisfy our biological
urges, several of us, including Mike, Andy, Dan, Richard and Al join hands
together to take part in the wholesome sport of bush-diving. Incredibly missed
by the porters, we retreat back to Mike's house. Not before Rock pushes Al
around in a trolley which ultimately leads to him careering into a tree,
falling out and almost breaking his elbow.
However, it isn't long before Al notices the nakedness around his nose. Mein
gott, where were his glasses? Never to be found again that's what. Apparently
lost during the bush-diving episode, there still exists a small part of Al
under the brush. Awww.
Go away! Ken long gone, and
the new irate cleaners in place, we were subjected to this chilling greeting
one fateful morning. Obviously fed up with our house, the head cleaner wakes us
all up in the early hours of the morning to tidy up the kitchen. Even locked
doors couldn't keep her out as she barged in to all of our rooms, some of us
unfortunately indulging in pre-wake up frivolties, so to speak. Dan, being the
wily young ragamuffin he is, managed to hide himself in the wardrobe before the
cleaner broke into his room, leaving Al, Rock and Andy to take hell for it all.
Final Night Out :
Buoyed by the results Al
and Blonde Tom received for three years non-hard work, several members of the
house proceed to a night out at The Gallery for one final evening of drunken
antics and general insanity. Of course, it was a raging success what with
indicating the desecration of Dick Turnip's
grave, final exchanging of pleasantries with the Oki's van, lasciviousness in
the gents toilets and all-round roguery where the womenfolk were concerned. In
fact, Al got further with any girl he had ever done so before in the previous
three years after she threatened to beat him up, not before telling him to
'fuck off and die'. Score!
Insanity Prevails :
Time flies when you're
being annoyed. And so, it came to be that the last night of Aaron's, Al's,
Dan's, Richard's, Blonde Tom's and Ginger Tom's University career was upon
them. After the Thursday night antics of before, the night should have been
subdued. However, another night at the Charles pub put paid to that.
Back at the house a massive cook-out was underway, encompassing family steak
pies, chicken kievs, turkey escalopes, waffles and chips. Enjoying our feast,
we were rudely interrupted by Aaron bursting in, pissed, proudly brandishing a
fire extinguisher. He then proceeded to soak the kitchen and neighbouring
houses before discarding of the extinguisher in nearby bushes. It was all right
though because we got a replacement from another house. In addition, Rock
decided to keep the house sign as a memento and snapped it off. Unusually
feeling a twang of responsibility, Al instructed Rock to put the sign back. To
this day, the Lindley D sign is still held up by Blu-Tak. How poetic.
The rest of the night was spent packing, with Dan offering up many of his old
clothes to his housemates. Of course, none of them fit us but this didn't stop
Al from putting on five layers of clothing and looking like a gorilla.
Furthermore, Aaron and Al proceeded to throw unused light bulbs out of the
window and a bottle of HP Sauce. Truly, Lindley Court had not known what had
The Last Day of Uni Ever :
This is the end,
beeyooootiful friend. 3 years, £11,000 and zero lady friends later and
University is over. The last day wasn't really a day as those who were up in
the early morning hours said their goodbyes and left. It hadn't really sunk in
at this stage that we had actually finished our degree. After all, we still had
graduation and the grad ball to look forward too. As well as the dole, it would
turn out. Sod.
A quick look at the statistics for third year reveals the following interesting
Number of people annoying by Aaron : 15
Housemates with steady girlfriend : 1
Take-away popularity : Fried : 70%, Grill : 15%, Ali's : 10%, Efe's : 5%
Broken mirrors : 1
Biggest time-wasting activity: IS
Most hair shed in shower : Brett
Biggest hom : Al
Nightclub poularity : Gallery : 55%, Toffs : 35%, Ziggy's : 10%
Best film of the year : Spiderman
Number of follow-throughs : 3
Worst song of the year : Hey Baby
Drink of Choice : The Strike
Those who left : Aaron, Al, Brett, Dan, Richard, Blonde Tom, Ginger Tom
Those who stayed : Andy, Little Phil, Wacky Phil, Rock, Toby
Overall : 84%
Goodbye University of York 1999-2002. We hardly knew ye...