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The House Of Bamboo, 1999 and beyond




What We Learned : A century of shite
  1. Drinking water before going to sleep is a sure way to avoid a hangover.
  2. Excessive consumption of Stella Artois induces intense headaches.
  3. Taxi drivers aren't impressed even if you take the effort to open the car door to vomit outside rather than inside.
  4. All conversations get round to the topic of masturbation eventually.
  5. Girls are not impressed by sarcasm.
  6. Condoms make excellent water bombs.
  7. The best special burgers originate from burger vans.
  8. You can live for an entire week on 10.
  9. Barclays allow for a 3,000 overdraft limit.
  10. Plastic pints taste a lot different to ordinary pints.
  11. ISS Pro Evolution Soccer 2 is the best game on the planet.
  12. Bouncers do not like engaging in conversations with the clientelle.
  13. Nightclub bar staff are the worst for judging queues at the bar.
  14. Basins provide a natural alternative to urinals.
  15. A pair of socks can be made to last for a whole week.
  16. You never have to buy books recommended by the lecturers.
  17. Approximately 50% of lectures are there to be missed.
  18. The hand on the bar is the best way to get served first.
  19. Absinthe actually makes you feel ill for two days.
  20. Unused lightbulbs explode a lot more than blown lightbulbs.
  21. Fences and gates are surprisingly easy to scale when drunk.
  22. Comedy dancing will get you nowhere.
  23. Playing an instrument or a sport will.
  24. End of year projects can actually be put off until the last three weeks and still achieve 2.1 marks.
  25. A pizza left out for one week is the most spectacular example of biodegration
  26. Bread turns to dust after a month.
  27. Cleaners really don't like full untied bin bags.
  28. Girls do not appreciate recommendations of a good takeaway.
  29. Using fake names on mail order goods is a guarantee of a laugh.
  30. Hash brownies make you talk about homosexuality more frankly.
  31. Dude, Where's My Car is the worst 78 minutes ever committed to film.
  32. Doner meat is the worst smell to wake up to in the world.
  33. To fall asleep before midnight is usually only due to illness.
  34. Hypnosex was the best late-night TV show, never to be seen again.
  35. Every single decent mp3 site will eventually get shut down.
  36. Not many people like Pek.
  37. Ye Olde Oak ham lasts a surprising amount of time.
  38. The death of old-style campus accomodation will be to the detriment of University life.
  39. A good campus bar has to be dingy.
  40. Most of the girls you like are taken.
  41. Cherry Nutrigrain bars are lovely.
  42. Dressing gowns never need to be washed.
  43. Bed covers do.
  44. Nothing gets Snakebite and Black out.
  45. It feels good in a suit.
  46. Drunk people are the scariest thing when you're sober.
  47. They're your best friend when you're drunk.
  48. Garages are a surprising source of pornography.
  49. A good walk does you no end of good.
  50. Printing out notes is not work.
  51. Netto is the best value vendor of alcohol.
  52. Chicken Chargrills can be microwaved in 2 minutes.
  53. Old Motorola phones have the worst text messaging system ever.
  54. Phoning home drunk leads to quite frank conversations.
  55. Salt makes anything taste good.
  56. Snakebite and Orange is not very nice. Snakebite and Lime is OK. Snakebite and Blue Bols should be avoided.
  57. Crank calls really do pass the time.
  58. HMV and Virgin take back anything. Even if you never bought the item from them.
  59. Odeon seats improve your posture.
  60. Ben and Jerry's is better than Haagen Dasz.
  61. If more than three people are watching the TV, the programme or film will eventually be talked over.
  62. Powershowers are anything but.
  63. Powernaps are the saviour of many an all-nighter.
  64. Farting is really funny in an all-male house.
  65. Glasses tend to break quite easily.
  66. Computer games bring out the competitive nature in all of us.
  67. Butcher's curtains make great substitues for doors.
  68. Scamazon was the best money-saving scam ever. Sadly no more.
  69. Clothes that only need to be ironed are going-out shirts.
  70. Dishcloths can be made to last up to two months.
  71. Bar staff are never impressed if you ask for the usual.
  72. Going to a fancy restaurant will always induce the 'what knife and fork should I use' ruse.
  73. The two sayings that induce at least one person to hum the song : 'Under pressure' and 'How bizarre'.
  74. Toilet graffiti is really amusing.
  75. Defrosting chicken in the microwave is a precise art.
  76. Milk, margarine, bread, rice, pasta and cheese is communal whether you like it or not.
  77. People are forgotten all too quickly.
  78. Bacon is the worst packaged foodstuff ever.
  79. A lot of people inexplicably like Total Recall.
  80. The music collection is the ultimate test as to how 'cool' you are.
  81. Burnt beefburgers really smell.
  82. CD writers are the greatest invention in the history of computers.
  83. Finding a job is hard work in itself.
  84. A lot of people find the word 'cunt' very offensive.
  85. Taking one's time in the toilet always raises an eyebrow.
  86. The big spiders always come out at night.
  87. Mayonnaise is on everything.
  88. Toilet paper is a valuable commodity.
  89. No one ever wants to pick up a take-away.
  90. Phone bills can be put off for a good four months before you pay them.
  91. The idea of going home for a weekend is more exciting than it actually is.
  92. Biscuits are the one thing that are the same in quality no matter the brand or price.
  93. Just because bogeys taste like salt doesn't mean earwax tastes like pepper.
  94. South Park series 5 is the best thing ever to be seen on television.
  95. Buying rounds only occurs when drunk.
  96. Trying to get money back after buying a drink for someone in a nightclub is futile.
  97. Cheap white wine is always horrible.
  98. Smiling for no reason induces worry.
  99. But smile anyway.
  100. Don't let the bastards grind you down.




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thehob.co.uk by A. Findlay 2002-2004
...Until I get bored again.