Not one of the 31,536,000
seconds (figure it out)
that were spent in the house were wasted. Well, apart from when we had to work
and sleep. So, to bring you the full story of events of the time misspent
between 30th June 2000
and 30th June 2001
, we have made a
timeline for you to peruse. From the
first ever house party
messiest day in the house
, it's all here in concise form. To fully
understand some of the horrors in this page, maybe you should take a look at
the Houze Guide
and the Ladz Guide
before we start. If you already have the knowledge, then get cracking!
Remember, trying to replicate this behaviour is dangerous and should only be
carried out by immature people like us.
The Big Move:
So, this was the day it all began. It started with the
seven of us, minus one (Richard), getting our gear from Wentworth College B
Block over to 54, Heslington Road via parents'/friends'/friends of friends'
cars. As soon as we'd get there, the mission was to find the landlord and get
the keys. This was the first time that Zaf would refer to us as the ladz. Keys
in hand, it was now time to enter the house (as soon as the previous tenants
got their arses in to gear and got out)! Our first year of University was well
and truly over.
The First Impression:
The first couple of hours were spent looking
around the house. There were bags of rubbish in the living room, piles of
washing up in the kitchen and worrying cracks in the walls that ran right up
the side of the house. A worringly foisty odour hung in the air around the
kitchen and living room, along with a distinctive smell in the bathroom which
can only be described as 'pissfart'. Each of us went to our individual bedroom
to discover yet more hidden joys. Toby didn't have a bed, Dan's room had some
sort of cocoons hanging from his curtain rail, Ian had a deathtrap for a
wardrobe and Mike had a door that could be opened easily with a credit card
when locked (this would come in handy later on).
Should I stay or should I go?
Having dicovered our rooms, it was time
for some of us to depart for a summer away from York. Ian was the first to
leave to spend an entire summer at home. The rest of us got together at 5pm in
the living room to decide what we should do for the rest of the day. Hmmm, we
The Big Steal:
Not only did we need food, we needed to stock up the
kitchen with pans, cutlery and other shit like salt, oil etc. Then,
inspiration! Since it was the last day of the University year and that no-one
can return to the same college the next year, anything left in the halls was up
for grabs! We knew that the place couldn't have been cleaned becuase the
cleaners left at 2pm! Wahey! Plus, we still new the code for the doors to get
in. After some hesitation, the remaining five set off back to Wentworth B
Block, bin bags in hand ready for loot. There was no stopping us as we got
inside the halls. Kitchens were ransacked for all manner of stuff including
pans, woks, cutlery, pizza cutters, graters, herbs, oils, as well as frozen
food, tins and booze. Even a radio did not escape our marauding hands. We
didn't feel guilty though - the cleaners would get all this shit when they come
to clean it the following day, anyway. Even the bedrooms were infiltrated to
steal pillows and bedding for the house. There was no stopping us. Finally,
with our bin bags full of swag, we comandeered a nearby trolley and used it to
get our stuff back home. Keeping an eye out for college porters and the police,
we made it back safely! The kitchen was now looking better already.
The first night was probably uncomfortable for all five of us,
especially Al who had the lumpiest bed in the whole of York. Only 364 days to
In the next couple of days, Dan and Toby followed Ian, and went
to spend the remainder of the summer holidays back home. This left Al, Mike and
Robin to spend the summer in York. Gulp.
The Big Clean-up:
The house was not in the greatest shape and so in a
fit of energy, Al, Mike and Robin spent four hours
cleaning the kitchen.
Before the clean-up, the kitchen was in the following state:
Plug sockets so covered in grease they were black
- The cupboards so covered
in grease, they were yellow
- There was a fridge so rotten inside, it made
Robin gag. Hehe!
- Plumbing so dodgy that every time the sink was empied, a
foul smell filled the house.
- An oven that couldn't have been cleaned in at
least 3 years.
The cleanup operation required 2 bottles of bleach, 2 bottles of Domestos
spray, 3 pairs of rubber gloves, 10 scouring pads and 3 stupid idiots.
Oh dear. We couldn't very well sit on our arses for 3 months, so
we had to go out and find jobs. 2 weeks into the holiday, Al and Mike settled
on KFC and Robin on the Odeon. The Odeon was just across the road from KFC so
we pretty much dominated that part of York! Robin let us in for free to see
such delights as Scary Movie (erk!) while Mike and Al provided free
courtesy of the Colonel.
Further investiagation of the inner workings of the
house led to Dan's bed being lifted up (since he left his room open for us to
use the internet) and the discovery of a pair of green underpants. After
throwing them around at each other for a while, we decided to throw them out of
the window. Robin took up the challenge so we scampered up to Ian's room at the
top of the house and waited for a convenient time to throw the pants out.
Getting impatient, Robin decided to lob them out of the window anyway, narrowly
missing an elderly woman! Oh, we knew how to have fun!
Having jobs that required work into the night, the house
was only mainly alive after 11pm. However, thanks to this and the summer
climate, we got to see some of the biggest freaking spiders in the history of
our lives. It wasn't rare to see a 3 inch big spider zip across the bedroom or
living room and scare the shit out of you. Funnily enough, they pretty much
disappeared after Al dropped a big heavy movie guide on top of one particular
On one particularly boring day in the house (and on a rare day off
for both Al and Robin), it was decied that we took advantage of the local
corner shop (the Mars shop, the corner shop of champions) and its extensive
selection of bliff mags
. Out of such
titles as Teachers Shagging, Over 65, Smut and Lesbo, we decided upon Hot
Summer Nights, Over 18s and another one that we can't remember. Anyway, not
only did Hot Summer Nights introduce us to the reader's wife Sue from Leeds
(brrrrr), it had a special offer that we couldn't turn down - £40 worth of porn
for £3! Reluctantly, Al sent off for it and got it a month later. What a load
of shit it was! And still, to this day, Al gets porn offers sent to him. Argh.
Out of the house, Al and Ian had resits thanks to their slacker
ways during the first year. This resulted in Ian paying another visit to the
house to stay for a while. Resits came and went and we all passed so it worked
out all right. Phew!
After a not unusual visit to MacDonald's, Robin brought
back a load of straws for some reason. The opportunity to cause mess was taken
up quickly as we formed spitballs and fired at the telly continuously for two
whole hours. The fact that Predator was on at the same time made it more
exciting as we aimed for Arnie, Apollo Creed and Preddy himself. Wicked! Took
ages to clean up the next day though. Bugger.
The summertime passed extraordinarily quickly and
pretty soon, over the course of one weekend, the house was full for the first
time. We were on the verge of living in a student house for the first time in
our lives. What could we expect?...
It was the beginning of Week Zero
of the second year of our degrees when the first night of madness in the house
began. At a loose end because many of us did not have any lectures that week,
we decided to have quiet night out and go on a bar crawl across campus. Not
only did we all end up blind drunk, Al and Dan managed to steal some lovely
deck chairs and run back home with them without attracting the attention of the
police. To be honest, they looked lovely in the front garden!
The First House Party:
The original and
best. It was now the end of the week and we needed to give the house a good
introduction to our friends and any other stupid bastard who happened to wander
in off the streets. The evening was well-stocked after a trip to Netto, which
resulted in us spending £90 on Chekov Vodka, MacArthurs Cream, Stella, and of
course, The Baron
. The night started
innocently enough; we had a few friends around from the first year, chatting
and making merry when all of a sudden at about 10pm, the house erupted with no
end of stragglers, ruffians and shitkickers. Every single room was overflowing
with pissheads, including us lot. People who we hardly knew were convincing us
to drink 'Sex Tea' (never to be confused with sex wee), Al was being harassed
about his Scotland shirt, Robin was convinced someone had stole his MiniDisc
player and Mike almost pulled an 'ugly bird'. Snark! Furthermore, we got our
first glimpse of our neighbour who asked us to turn the music down. The night
finished at around 4am and Al had to be up at 8 for KFC (why was he still
there? Mike had left ages ago!). He made it by the way.
We were now a week into the first term proper, and the night
seemed to be quiet when all of a sudden, Richard shouted us upstairs to
converge around the grim loo for some unknown reason. It became clear why, when
a peek into the toilet revealed a turd that an elephant would have been proud
of. It had also been there for some time as shown by the brewing of the water.
After intense interrogation of the housemates (as in, 'Who the fuck did
THAT?!?!?!'), Ian owned up to this gargantuan poo. To this day, we still do not
know how he did it. Respect.
Richard's Dressing Gown:
Still at the phase of getting used to people's
habits, one particular habit of Richard's was to sit in the living room in the
middle of the afternoon in a highly offensive dressing gown. Although we
quickly came accustomed to it, we still couldn't quite figure out the
mysterious stains on the front of it. Hmmm.
Dan, being the scoundrel he is, came back from a
drunknen night out mysteriously clutching a big pile of magazines. It turned
out that the Mars shop had left a delivery of magazines outside unattended and
Dan seized the opportunity. The haul included puzzle magazines, a gardening
magazine, three identical Pokemon colouring in magazines and, criminally, only
one bliff mag.
Mabel was the woman of the house for a good two weeks thank to
Robin's pulling techniques. By the way, she was made of rubber, required
constant blowing up and had no orifices whatsoever. However, she became very
dear to our hearts until a fateful night of passion led to her face being
ripped off and her body massacred. Oh well.
Al's Proper Rant:
For some strange reason (maybe excess consumption of
alcohol), Al decided to make his opinions known on curries to the whole house.
He shouted loudly at everyone in the room how 'proper' curries should be dark
brown, with caramalised onions and 'stringy' chicken for a whole hour
everyone gave up on him and he went to bed. To this day, Al has never lived it
down, although it should be known that Thornaby is the only place to get a
Truly the king of burger vans, Oki's was discovered about three
weeks into the term after a night out at the local night club. Oki will forever
be remembered as the vendor of the best special burgers around, and also as
Richard's honorary father. Oki is now believed to be in jail for killing a
rival burger van owner or for putting cats in the doner meat.
NOT pills - Pils. 6.2% to be precise. Discovered at the Hansom Cab
pub in York one night before going on to a night club at only £1.92 a pint no
less. A night out in York is not complete without either an Oki burger or a
pint of Pils to see you on your way. Consumption of more than four pints is
dangerous and can lead to blindness or the belief that you are not socially
retarded. And ugly.
Homosexuality dawns on the housemates (part one):
Living in a house of
seven men was beginning to have effects on some people in the house as we
reached the halfway point of the first term. The first big event to occur was
the shaving of Robin's pubic hair by Mike in the bathroom. The evidence was
clear-cut - big tufts of pubic hair in the bathtub - eeewww. Mike and Robin
admitted to this drunken outburst of homosexuality and we promised never to
bring up the subject again until now. Haha.
Hello? Hello? You cunts!:
The benefits of having a house phone is that
it can be abused when you live with other people, so we came up with a
game that you too can try at home!
'Twas a night when only Robin and Mike had decided to
go out and get pissed. However, rather than come back unbelievably happy and
staggery as usual, Mike came back quite concerned (but still staggery),
claiming that Robin had been arrested. He and Mike had stolen some bar stools
from a college bar but got stopped by the police on the way back. Mike got out
of it somehow and came back to leave Robin to face the police. Suddenly, the
phone rang and it was Robin, asking if anyone knew a good lawyer as he had been
arrested. Concerned, we tried to think how to help when the bastard came
through the door on his mobile phone. Goddammit!!
End of the first term:
Pretty unspectacular to be honest. But the first
term was nothing compared to the second term!...
We all went home. That's it. No really.
First term under our belts and no
serious illnesses (somehow) we all came back to a lovely clean house thanks to
Al, Mike and Robin AGAIN! However, it got messed up within three days pretty
easily. Nothing could have prepared us for the tomfoolery of that second
The House Party 2:
After the raging success of the first house party,
and the fact that Al didn't have to be up for KFC anymore (he had left at
last), it was decided a second house party was in need and that it should
eclipse the first one by a mile. Let's just say that it took a while to get
going. So much so, that Al, Richard and Toby buggered off to the pub at 10 o'
clock. When they got back, however, the party had started - and in some style.
Already, someone had chucked up in the grim loo and refused to come out. The
door had to be kicked in the get the unnamed person out and to this day the
lock has not been fixed. The best was yet to come when at three in the morning,
the neighbour who we had first seen at the previous house party, decided enough
was enough and had a full-blown scream at Mike who was unfortunate enough to
answer the door. It was Dan's fault as well! The party was therefore another
raging success! And we hardly ever talked to our neighbour again (apart from
Richard who she told that she was psychic. Uhoh).
The Condom Family:
Since Wednesday afternoons were free and we were too
bone-idle to actually partake of any wholesome activities, we decided to find
out new and exciting ways of passing the time. After nabbing a load of free
condoms from a campus bar and then finding out we had no use for them (d'oh),
we decided to test the water holding capacity of a condom. This led to
experiments of filling the condoms in the sink and then the bath. Having filled
around three or four condoms in the bathtub, we decided that they should be the
condom family - Big Daddy, Vaginia and Little Jonny Condom. Oh dear.
Try it out
Alas poor chair:
In the living room
one three seat settee and two one seat chairs. The gradual destruction of one
of the chairs begin when Al rather enthusiastically parked his big fat ass down
and bust a few springs under the seat. The damage was compounded as Richard
would sit on the chair by crouching on it and pushing the seat lower and lower
down. We finally decided to throw the chair out when we found out that there
were some quite sharp rusty old springs under the seat which could cause a lot
of damage to the anal and testicular region. RIP crappy old chair.
Burglar Alarm Game:
Another product of Wednesday afternoon boredom (now
the fourth Wednesday of the term). See
the games to play at home
Fake come day:
Al and Richard must have gone
stir crazy on this day. With flour, water, toothpaste and empty washing up
liquid bottles reaidly available, the two ragamuffins decided to see what
mixture would make up the best fake come. It turned out that one requires:
Water: To provide the base of the come.
- Flour: For the colour and texture.
Up liquid: For extra stickiness and some foam.
- Washing up liquid bottle (or
other squeezable bottle): For firing the come.
With the fake come ready, Al and Richard then proceeded to spray the whole
house (particularly the kitchen and bathroom) with the foul concoction. It made
a satisfying sizzling sound when it struck the ceiling lights mind you.
Halfway through the second term, we had perfected
slacking and made it into an art form. However, for one to be a true slacker,
one must also take part in meaningless destruction of their rented
accomodation. Anyway, one afternoon Al was particuarly curious about the
strength of the bannister considering the house must have been at least sixty
years old. Ever willing to help his friends out, Robin promptly kicked through
one of the struts to demonstrate the weakness of the bannister. 'Well,' thought
Homosexuality dawns on the housemates (part two):
Approaching the end of
the second term, truly a night to remember. The night started innocently enough
- a typical night out to the local night club, preceded by a visit to the
Hansom Cab. However, the crucial factor in this night was the somewhat
excessive consumption of four or five pints of Pils.
The journey back from the night club at 2:30am will go down in history. Having
consumed an Oki special burger, Al, Dan, Ian and Richard made their way back
home. However, since it had been snowing that night, we decided to make snow
angels in the middle of the road. This wasn't enough and we were soon pissing
our names in the snow. This still wasn't enough - we needed more. The
opportunity then presented itself: the locked city walls! Climbing the locked
gate that led to the walls was surprisingly easy given the state we were in.
Al, Dan and Richard made it over, but Ian couldn't be arsed and continued on
home. However, the rest of us were undeterred and begin to moon from the top of
the city walls every passing car and unfortunate passers by.
The night was still not over. We jumped down from the walls, only to
half-streak our way home along busy main roads. Miraculously having avoided the
police and anybody who could beat us up, we made it back to Heslington Road.
Still heavily inebriated, the three of us still managed to streak up and down
the road several times before drawing comedy penises and 'Fuck you's' in the
snow laying on top of car windscreens.
Now inside, we decided that we enjoyed streaking so much that the three of us
sat in the living room in only our pants, discussing the events of that night.
Reality finally dawned upon us, and at around half four, we all retired to our
rooms and collapsed, not before Dan almost went outside in his pants to get a
pint of milk from the milkman.
Destruction of the Lightshade:
Now at the very end of the second term,
our gradual destruction of the house was still not over. Having managed to get
their hands on a replica sword (thanks to a charity thing Robin, Richard, Ian
and Mike were doing), Al and Richard proceeded to prod the big paper lightshade
in the living room. This wasn't enough and so Al began to lunge at it. Richard
had a go too until one fateful swing sent the big paper ball crashing to the
floor. 'Oh well,' they thought, 'didn't like it much anyway.'
Bannister fire spectacular:
Kids, do not try this at home, unless your
parents are away. Everyone knows that deodorants and lighters make wicked
flamethrowers. However, we wanted to take it to the next step and began
spraying smiley faces on the walls and setting them alight to try and form
smiley faces in fire. However, they weren't that spectacular, so we decided to
make a big fire trail go up the bannister - that would look wicked! Having
doused the bannister in almost a quarter of a can of deodorant, we set fire to
it. The effect was impressive and is worth trying! However, note that the house
will stink of deodorant for about a day afterwards and your house will almost
go up in flames if you have washing hanging near the bannister (oops).
Oh my God:
Freaking hell! We'd been living in the house for nine months
now! Roll on Easter...
After such a riotous second term, the
Easter holidays could only be quieter. The first couple of weeks of the holiday
were a welcome respite. Although the house wasn't finished with us quite yet.
Oh dear oh dear. We knew Richard had returned from his Easter
holidays when he brought back Omar
Gym Sex Adventure on VHS to be precise. Possessing probably the largest wanger
you'll ever see, the video itself is painful to watch as he virtually kills
three or four quite unattractive girls. Curiously enough the tape is worn in
three or four key places. Hmmm.
Needing a distraction from imminent examinations and
assessments, Al decided to create a webshite. He needed to do something
remotely linked to his course so he decided to make a crappy website about the
house. And here it is! Great isn't it? No? Then, FUCK YOU! So there.
Let's face it, this is Richard we're talking about
so there is no way that this birthday was going to be a sedate affair. Anyways,
the house was fuller than ever what with Robin's, Dan's and Richard's friends
staying over for the night. The night quickly descended into insanity with Al
dancing by himself (I wonder why) in The Gallery nightclub in the middle of an
empty dancefloor. Funnily enough, the normally jovial DJ's told Al to fuck off
the dancefloor and Dan's friends even thought he was on some sort of
hallucinogenic. Oh dear. Later that night, Richard's friends decided to leave
the club early only to return to an alarmed house. They managed to get in but
set off the alarm to which they didn't know the code. Subsequently, the police
got involved, with none of the house
members present. Shiiiiit! The rest of the night was a blur to say the least.
The Final Stretch:
At last, we had made it to the final term of the year
(and the final two and half months of living in the house - boohoo). It was now
the middle of April and at last the Sun was making reluctant appearances. The
house was in the worst shape it had been in for some time, not only in terms of
untidiness, but also in terms of property destruction and overdue bills
requiring payment. We had ten weeks to sort it all out. Gulp.
Ever wondered how long you can put off paying a phone
bill? Well, we didn't but it turns out you can leave it a good three weeks
after you get a letter threatening you with people coming round to break your
thumbs if you don't pay up. We eventually got round to paying it after a huge
energy outburst, which also encompassed cleaning up the living room and
kitchen. Didn't last long though...
Omar strikes back:
It had to happen. The video was already playing up
when one fateful evening, an unnamed house member decided to partake of some
Omar viewing. It turns out that when you combine a dodgy pirate copy of a dodgy
porn film with a crappy rented video player, you get... YES! A knackered video
player. For the remaining two or three weeks of the term, the player could only
play sound but no picture. When viewing Omar, the effect was like watching a
blocked porn channel on Sky but infinitely more disturbing. Hope Radio Rentals
don't notice it's fucked. Haha!
An outdoor University of York version of Woodstock with
generally awful bands (apart from a couple at the end), terrible 'burgers' and
overpriced beer. But this didn't stop some members of the house from making
complete tits of themselves, especially Mike and Al. The two managed to get
their hands on an old-fashioned horn and honk it at inappropriate times, whilst
loudly exclaiming 'Honk if you're horny', 'I've got the horn', and of course,
'I give you the horn, don't I?' Later on in the night, Al had given up with the
outdoor scene and went inside where he drunkenly took on all-comers at pool.
And won! So there.
The Final Night Out:
We were now into the final week of term and
therefore the final week of living in the house. We had to celebrate
appropriately. It was unlikely we could all be there on the final night so we
decided that Tuesday night's final campus event would be the night. All seven
us got suited up and proceeded to get completely wankered. It was one of only
three or four nights in the whole year that all seven of us got our arses into
gear and all went out together.
The night started pretty steadily, what with the bar being packed to the
rafters and the booze flowing like mud. However, it only took a couple of hours
to get properly soused, as the queues died down, and we could therefore act the
goat for at least one last time! It must be said that Al and Richard waltzed
beautifully on the dance floor, until Richard decided to jump on Al. At which
point, Al had the crazy idea of spinning him round only to slip up on the lager
covered floor and cause the two to come crashing down like a pair of bastards.
Undeterred, Al still managed to slip up a further three times and also get
blitzed late in the night for dancing on the stage where the live bands had
been playing earlier. Richard also refused to leave the event by lying outside
and not letting anyone help him up. The night had went well.
So, this was it. The final day. The house was still in quite a state, despite a
late night clean up by Al, Robin and Richard a couple of days earlier. A final
review of the damage reveals the destruction of:
- A chair
- Richard's door (from breaking it down when he locked
- The grim loo lock
- A lightshade (now replaced)
- A rented
- Several pieces of wallpaper (peeled off in boredom)
- A grill
- Items thrown out by Al, including several
plates, glasses, a sieve (yes I admit it now!) and a wok.
Ian and Mike left on Friday, leaving Toby, Dan, Richard and Al to leave on
Saturday (the 30th). Robin left all on his own on Sunday! The 365 days spent in
the house had been wasted, true, but we can safely say it was an experience to
say the least. Hopefully, we will never have to live in such a shithole again,
but still it would be great to live in a house with the same sort of guys.
Sniffle. Oh well. Roll on third year chaps!!!