Do not despair. The House of Bamboo went through some tough times just like you probably are now. To relieve your boredom or ease your stresses, here is a big list of things to do in your own home or squat. The only things you need are your wits, a residence (preferably rented) and a shitload of condoms, chocolate bars and eggs (although not for the same thing - that would be going too far). Let the games commence.


The Tin Game
There you are - sat on your arse, so bored that you'll eat anything to relieve the boredom. But hey! Put yet more fun into eating to relieve boredom by playing the Tin Game! The rules are very simple: take a selection of tins in your cupboard, remove all the labels and toss them in the bin or out the window. Now, mix up the tins and open them up to have a surprise feast! How else could you have a meal consisting of Pedigree Chum followed by Fruit Cocktail? The possibilities are endless. For the truly adventurous, why not remove the labels from ALL your tins and then annoy everyone in the house as they try to guess which tins holds their beans and sausages? Please note that you should be very careful opening tins, especially those goddamn ringpull ones.


Find your spell check name
Ever had to type your name in a Word document only to get a nasty red squiggle under it? Fear not as this happens to the best of us. For all you 'Richard's', 'Toby's' and 'Clint's' out there (or as Word would have it, 'Retard's', 'Tubby's' and 'Cunt's'*) and everyone else with a name, try out this game when you are bored and find the true meaning of your name. If you are unlucky enough to have a name that actually exists in the dictionary then fear not! Simply mispell your name and unleash the spell check! Lots of fun (for about 15 seconds). Here is a list of our spell check names:

Alistair Findlay	Alligator Friendly
Dan Carvalho	Dane Carry-all
Ian Pharo	Inane Pharoah
Michael Berrill	Motel Berlin
Richard Morfitt	Retard Mortify
Robin Peters	Robbing Pets
Toby Whiffin	Tubby Whiffing

* Expletive-Checker (tm) only available in Word 2000


Melt chocolate bars in the microwave
The title says it all. This game was invented one crazy day in summer when a certain member of the house wanted some ice cream. So, off he trundled to the freezer to get the ice cream: 'Oh why did I get vanilla? I wish I had some more money so I could get some Ben and Jerry's!'. Then, inspiration! 'I know,' thought the wily young ragamuffin, 'I'll melt that Mars bar I have lying around and pour it on the ice cream!' The problem was, being young, our friend was impatient so he stuck it in the microwave (the Mars bar that is) to melt it. Much to his surprise, the Mars bar bubbled furiously and actually looked spectucular. 'Wow,' he thought, 'I'm gonna melt more stuff!' And so the story goes, Snickers, Twixes, Caramels and, yes, even Creme Eggs did not escape the microwave shenanigans of this particular youth. So, the moral of the story is, if you are bored shitless, melt stuff in the microwave until they bubble furiously or explode (we'll leave you to find out which does what). Footnote: due to the neglection of the ice cream, it melted too in the hot kitchen. Bugger.


Fill the bathtub with condoms
The game that finally proves our maturity. If you can get hold of loads of condoms, and then find out you have no use for them, as most of us did, then while away the hours by filling up condoms with water and leaving them in the bath. The ideal method of filling a condom with water is a two man operation so grab hold of a friend, relative or beggar and have them support the condom as you hold it over the running tap. Please note that the optimum capacity of a condom should leave enough room to tie the end up. A good condom should be able to enough water to be about as big as a basketball. Create enough condom water balloons to fill the entire bathtub and then retreat. Wait for the stunned reaction of your housemates when they espy your condom creation. Haha! They know not what to do! Be careful when handling the condom water balloons, however, since they tend to explode violently after too much handling.

An alternative to filling the bathtub with condoms is to fill a sink basin with only one condom. Fill it with enough water so that the sink is completely unaccessible and the condom can not be lifted out. The challenge is to make the sink accessible again without getting water all over the place. Only for the complete bastards out there!


The Burglar Alarm Game
Find out if you would make a good thief with The Burglar Alarm game (and you don't even need a bag of swag!). Simply take one house with a burglar alarm and two people. One person sets the alarm and the other person has to make his or her way across the house to the alarm to reset it, moving so slowly so as to avoid setting the alarm off. Make sure you don't have one of those alarms that automatically alerts the police or that it's one in the morning and you're sorted.


Create an orgy collage
Have you 'read' all your porn mags so many times that you no longer 'read' them any more? What a waste of £5! However, all is not lost. Breathe new life into your porn mags by cutting them all up and making a mass orgy collage. Your imagination is the only limit! Put girls (or boys) in impossible lovemaking positions or have them act out your wildest fantasies! Of course, I can not show you any examples because we would not revel in such filth (plus, the webhost will kick me off if I show you some of the beauties, erm, we would like to make). For added comedy effect, offend all your neighbours by sticking your creation in the window for all to see! Please note that I take no responsibility if you are arrested.


Make a claim for a personal injury
You've seen the ads on telly right? 'If you've had an accident and it's not your fault, then claim compensation. And, if you don't win, we won't charge you!'.

Sounds great, eh? So why not use them? Who knows, you might even get some money. Remember, this is advice for ultimate bored people.

The best personal injury claim is whiplash, so I've heard, because it can't be proven medically by a doctor whether you have it or not. And, you can blame it on someone else! The money will come rolling in! Just don't get caught or you could spend a spell in chokey.

If you want to play it safe, why not 'accidentally' trip up on a paving stone in the High Street of your town or 'fall over' a railing at work and sue the bastards for all they've got. Just in case, make sure you film it aswell so if you get nowhere with the claims people, you can always send it off to 'You've been framed' and get £250. Sorted. Respect due.


Cook eggs differently
Probably the most versatile of foodstuffs, the egg can be cooked in many ways. You've got boiled, fried, scrambled, poached, omelette, switched (not sure if this is an official egg cooking style), souffle etc... Why not try to introduce a new egg-cooking style by combining these methods? Try it out for yourself. Why not try boiling an egg and then frying it? It might be all right. How about making an egg omelette out of chopped fried egg? I'll stop now to let your own creative skills come to the fore. Just make sure the eggs aren't bad first (they float in water).


Shave a part of your anatomy
This is a game that is available in one-player or two-player versions. One-player versions are limited to the following parts of the anatomy: Legs, pubic region, underarm hair, chest and bellyhair. Two-player versions: All of the one-player versions plus the top of the head. You could shave your head in one-player mode with a bit of difficulty but it is advised that you avoid this mode since you could end up with a mohican. Two-player pubic region shaving is a favourite of Mike and Robin by the way.


The Phantom Caller Game
A game to be played in a large house with several house members present. Locate the house phone in a position that is far away from everyone in the house at that moment. Then, take a mobile phone and discreetly phone the house number. Wait until another house member begrudgingly goes to answer the phone and then, at the moment they pick up the receiver, hang up! Haha!

For best results, locate phone next to bathroom and phone it when a member of the house is in the bath. Repeat ringing until they get out of bath and then hang up! Caution: do not be tempted to answer phone in a rude manner, e.g. 'Oh fuck off!'. This could lead to sticky situations with your landlord/parents/debt collectors. For even better results, dial the house phone number with the prefix '141' thereby withholding your mobile number when the pissed off housemate dials 1471 to check for a phantom caller. He or she will never know!