It's the nightmare situation. You've just had a major powerdump and feel the king of the world. That is, until you find out that the toilet roll has gone missing. How can this be, there was plenty there last night! You consider the alternatives and decide that your only hope is to grab the nearest pet and put him to good use. You feel great, but what about poor Fido/Cuddles/Satan? Well, this section is for all those mistreated cats and dogs out there because, YES, find out exclusively here the useful alternatives to toilet paper and spare the expense of having your pet cleaned (if you care that much, that is). Check out the other alternatives to other stuff too.

Please note that this website can not be held responsible for any cases of foodpoisoning, unwanted pregnancy or death.


Plates and cutlery
When you live a busy and exciting lifestyle, washing up can be inadvertently nudged down the list of priorities until you have a pile of plates in the sink that could give Blackpool Tower a run for its money. In this situation, you have two alternatives, wash up or think of more alternatives. Cue: the guide to alternatives for plates and cutlery.

• Pizza boxes: An inexpensive alternative to plates, make sure you keep all your pizza boxes for such an emergency. Just scrape off all the little congealed bits of cheese and voila, instant plate! Recommended foodstuffs: anything non-runny, e.g. chips, burgers etc...
• Stationery: Excellent alternative to cutlery with a multitude of uses. Use the back end of pens to stir tea, set squares as knifes, compasses to prick sausages, protractors as spoons and modified rulers as forks.
• Pan lids: A good plate substitute in that they feature edges to allow containment of runny items, e.g. beans. Every pan you buy comes with a pan lid, so you're in luck! Unless you've used all the pan lids for other stuff. However, pan lids rarely get dirty so you're all right.
• Already dirty plates: The only prerequisite for this alternative is a dirty plate that has been scraped clean. Then, take some cling film and wrap the plate up with it! Genius! The only drawback with this method is that you could cut through the cling film accidentally and expose the foulness underneath.
• Paper plates and plastic knives and forks: If you're flush, and have a spare two quid, then pop into your local cheap houseware shop and get all the plates and cutlery you need! You can get 20 paper plates for 50p! Just think of all that washing up you don't have to do! Please note that plastic cutlery is a bit shit so stick to stationery.

Toilet roll
You know the situation. Here are the alternatives:

• Tissue urgency prediction: A foolproof scheme that will avert ALL toilet catastrophies. Every morning, stick a bit of toilet paper in your pocket before you start your day. Sources of toilet paper: Public conveniences, the workplace, hijacking Andrex lorries. So now, whenever you reach for your pet, reach for your pocket instead and there'll be smiles all round.
• Socks: So you forgot to pack your emergency pocket tissue. Never mind. Simply take off your socks and use them. Socks are the most expendable item of clothing and therefore should be sacrificed for the greater good. Please note that all socks should be thrown away after their misuse and you should not in any way attempt to put them back on. That is just depraved.
• Basin = Bidet: Okay, that last alternative was a bit drastic. What if you were some sort of flash git who wears £10 socks or, heaven forbid, a sandal-wearer? Fret ye not, for you can use your very own sink as a bidet. Run the hot water tap and put your thumb over it slightly to create an upward jet and then position your derriere to get it right up there. Please note, that this method is inappropriate in public conveniences, other people's houses or if the hot water has just been on. Ouch.
• Just give up: The most squalid option. Do not wipe at all and locate the nearest friendly toilet paper vendor. Run back immediately and clean yourself up. Throw away your pants too, you smelly git.

Withdrawing cash from the cash machine
If for some reason (i.e. you are £300 over your overdraft limit), you are denied cash from a cashpoint, what should you do? The new Tae Bo video is out and you need to get in shape. But you can not afford the £12.99 it costs in HMV (use scamazon, fool). How can you get money out of your account without robbing the bank?

• Cashback from Switch: The saviour of all liberal spenders. This is the easiest way to get money out of your account even if you are way over your overdraft limit. It is available in most pubs when you spend £5 so get a round in plus £30 while you're at it! Be warned, however, some banks are wising up to this and charge you £28 for each time you get cashback when over your overdraft limit. It takes a while for them to twig, so make the most of it and get £100 cashback at a time!
• Cashback from credit cards: You may not of heard of this one but it is possible. However, almost all banks require some sort of notice or something. However, all is not lost! Find yourself a small corner shop that offers cashback and hand over your credit card. Even though they know it's dodgy they'll still give you up to £100 cashback there on the spot! The only catch is, they are so willing to do it becuase they charge you 50p on every £10 you get back. But hey, what's the difference between £100 and £105 when you're in the shit anyway?
• Writing cheques to yourself: Simply write out a cheque payable to 'CASH' and the amount of money you want. Cash it down at your local bank. Not sure if this works when overdrawn but it's an alternative to withdrawing from cash machines if you lose your card (stupid). Footnote: if entirely desperate for money, why not change your name to 'Cash' by deed poll?

Urinating in the toilet
If the toilet is ever occupied or you are incapacitated due to the effects of alcohol and you just can't hold it in, then follow these alternatives. But please remember to clean up after yourself. Note that this guide is for the men of the house although you ladies out there are willing to try (this, however, will be frowned upon).

• In the sink: Perhaps you live in a fancy house (or shitty single room flat) that has basins in the bedrooms? If so, then this alternative is for you. Simply drag yourself over to the sink and let fly. Potential dangers are violent splashback and disgusting noises, so be extra careful by running the tap while you go. This also fools nosy neighbours into thinking you are simply washing your hands when in fact you are pissing in the sink like the rebel you really are.
• Out the window: Don't have a sink? Chances are you have a window then, even if you are in jail. Simply open your window and water your garden the natural way. Only recommended late at night and if the window opens at the bottom. Any attempts to aim your piss out of an open top panel of a window will result in yellow streaks down the window and damp carpets. Especially when drunk.
• In a container: So you don't have a sink or window? Well, grab the nearest container you can find (mug/glass/vase) and fill 'er up. The dangers are obvious so try to guess accurately how much you are going to piss and pick the most relevant container. Of course, you can use more than one container but be careful you don't spill at the crossover point.
• Wet the bed: The last resort for the truly wasted. The only alternative after a heavy night's drinking. Just relax and release in your bed. You'll be so pissed that you'll go to sleep immediately and happily sleep for eight hours rolling around in your own wee wee. Be warned, however, not only will you wake up with a banging headache, you'll stink of urine and have a load of sheets to wash.

Washing up liquid
If you ever get the urge to do washing up, don't be put off by a lack of washing up liquid. You don't need it when you follow these tips:

• Shower gel: It's like soap and it makes foam so it must be like washing up liquid right? Simply apply just like you would washing up liquid and have all your plates and cutlery smelling like fresh ocean spray. Don't use too much though - you still need to shower after not wiping your arse properly/pissing the bed.
• Soap and water: Take a basin full of hot water and lather it up using a bar of soap. Instant ultra-cleansing water! Just stick in your washing up and clean away. This method is a bit cumbersome in that you have to use new water and lather it up every time the water gets dirty.
• Shampoo: Some of the ingredients are the same so it must have the same effect! Shampoo is great because some brands smell like washing up liquid and create shitloads of foam. However, do not try using washing up liquid as an alternative to shampoo. Your hair will shine like a bastard.
• Just water: Who needs fancy stuff like washing up? Look at this way, the human race has survived millions of years without washing up so how good can it really be? Yeah! So just stick your washing up in the freaking dishwasher and be done with it.

Doors
Doors can be a proper bastard when you don't have much room. They swing out too much, taking up room that could otherwise be used for your telly or home brewing kit. Follow these guidelines to get the most out of your own little space.

• Take the door off it's hinges: Do you really need that door?You probably don't unless you masturbate a lot. Take the door off it's hinges and store it some place safe (in case your landlord has a go at you), freeing up several square feet of vital space!
• Butcher's curtain: So, you want a bit of privacy? Why not take the door off it's hinges and put up a butcher's curtain in it's place? Not only does it look unique, you can swish through it and pretend to offer your customers a sample of your sausage. Be prepared to pay around £3 for a good butcher's curtain.
• Salloon doors: Create that authentic Western look with a set of salloon doors. This alternative is only recommended if the following criteria are satisfied: you own your own home, you don't mid looking like a tit, you can find a shop that sells salloon doors.
• Roll-up blind: Here's a novel idea: blinds for doorways! I'll make a million!

Condoms
You take back a young girl (or guy) back home, thinking your luck is in. Then you realise it is, as you motion up to the bedroom! 'Surely he (or she) has taken care of the condom situation?' you think as you both fumble up the stairs . You get to the bedroom and in the throes of passion, your date asks if you have protection. Noooooooo! But don't worry, we are here to help you get sex! Or most likely, carry out some experimental masturbation. Either way, take a look at the alternatives for 'rubber wellies' and you may be pleasantly surprised. Don't come crying to us if you (or your partner) get knocked up though.

• Cling film, rubber band: Wrap a bit of cling film around the old chap and secure it using a rubber band at his base. Make sure there is enough cling film so it doesn't rip. Recommended lubricant: gel. No sensitivity whatsoever so you'll be able to go for hours! Wahey!
• A used condom: How dodgy is this webpage? Not to get too distasteful, simply wash it out, turn it inside out and use it again. I'm sorry, I'll make the next alternative clean.
• No condom at all: Can it get any cleaner (relatively speaking)? Only take this option if you are masturbating. Boohoo.
• Emergency condom in pocket: As with toilet roll, why not carry around a condom with you at all times? Even if you never use it, there are other uses...