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The House Of Bamboo, 1999 and beyond

second year 00-01
houze guide
Dictionary : The primitive dialect of 54
Living in a house like this for a whole year had a major effect on all of us. Not only did our levels of childishness (if that's a word) go up, we also formed our very own dialect. Impressive, no? Confuse your mates with such nuggets as 'Kiss my grits!', 'Sack it!' or 'Suck your mum!'. Scroll down the page to see the list, or click on a handy link to get you there quicker! Please note that I have made no effort to use proper dictionary abbreviations - I couldn't be bothered.

A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | XYZ

Anal Cunt : A band famed for their meaningful lyrics and excellent tunes. Check them out on Napster. Typical songs include 'I sold your Dog to a Chinese Restaurant', 'Santa Claus is a Cunt' and the classic 'I Hope You Get Deported'. Origin: try searching for 'cunt' in Napster.

Arseburger : Used to convey extreme dismay. As in, 'Oh Arseburger! I've lost a pound'.

The Baron : The stuff of legend. Baron Romero is the ultimate cheap red wine, available for £1.99 at Netto. Went down in history as the only wine label to have a picture of a baron on it. The Baron stands for all things cheap and good in alcohol (and mostly found at Netto). Try McArthur's instead of Bailey's, Chekov Vodka instead of Smirnoff, Taurus Cider instead of Strongbow and Saracen Premier instead of Fosters. Okay, forget the last one. But give the spirits and wine a try - you will not be disappointed!

Bastahd : The Yorkshire pronunciation of Bastard. Elongate the 'ah' and emphasise the 't'. There ya go. Works well with 'Ya', as in 'Ya Bastahd!'.

Bastardise : Bastardise was a very popular word in the household. A famous example is the bastardisation of 'Sex Bomb' by Tom Jones into 'Sex Wee' by certain household members.

Biffon : Haha, thank you Viz. The biffon is the area located between the female vagina and anus. As in, the place where the man's balls biff on during sexual intercourse. UUUrgh, that description was a bit graphic wasn't it?

Bliff Mag : Porn mag, example : Playboy, Escort, Hustler, Club, Hot Summer Nights (hello Sue from Leeds), 50plus

Hm. Looks like a good issue

Bobby Spatchcock : Comedy fake name used when ordering from Amazon. A bit of a pain in the arse when you have have to prove your identity if you have to pick it up from the Sorting Office if the postman can't get it through your ridiculously small letterbox.

Cock : Term for Coca-cola. Can be used to tiresome comedy effect. As in, "You can't beat a good bit of cock", "Can I have some of your cock" and of course, "Can I finish off your cock?". Timeless.

The Real Thing. Also available in cherry.

Christen the latrines : Urination.

Cumsucker : Hilarious put-down. Use it now!

Ding : York townie expression for a disagreeable person. Again, works well with 'Ya' as in 'Ya ding!'. Origin: I think it's an abrrieviation of 'dingbat', another favourite of the house.

Dippock : A fat useless twat.

Do not go in there! : Exclaimed whenever a particularly smelly evacuation was performed in the recent present by a house member in the toilet (usually, Mike or Dan). Origin: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.

Toilet out of order (for at least an hour).

Eeeh? : Exclaimed whenever one member of the house could not understand another or something on the telly.

'Ey oop ya duffer : Bastardisation of Yorkshire expression used to greet others in an inoffensive manner. Appears insulting, but is actually friendly. Most applicable in the middle of a Yorkshire pub (as long as no one but your friend can hear you).

'Ey oop ya fucker : Same as 'Ey oop ya duffer' but stronger. Best used in public where everyone can hear you (No, really).

Fanny flaps : A part of the female anatomy.

Fuckit : A term used to indicate giving up. As in, I've got a big project to hand in tomorrow but every one is going to the pub. Ah Fuckit, I could do with a pint'. Also, can be used in a bastardisation of 'Vindaloo' by Fat Les. As in, 'Na na naaaaaah, FUCKIT!, Na na naaaaaah, FUCKIT!' etc. Repeat to desired comic effect.

Gannin' doon the toon : Geordie expression asking if one desires to traverse to the town centre for a light beverage (or ten).

Grip, The : A particularly nasty disease that affects the stomach. If not treated immediately, can lead to scropula. The disease hides in every fifth packet of Fishermen's Friends so be careful out there.

You have been warned. Mmm, Aniseed.

Grubular items : Scientific name for food.

Harfynn Teuport : Another nom de plume used for ordering stuff of the internet.

Hot Beef Injection : Sexual intercourse.

Houze : The affectionate term for 54, Heslington Road during 2000-2001. Originated from a chalk drawing on the wall of us housemates when titled 'Da Houze'. Now recognised as any house occupied by one of us.

I am so great : As in the chant 'I am so great, I am so great'. Best applied when drunk or when you have just completed Driver 2 or broken a record on Cool Boarders 3.

It were a proper bastard : Used to describe an unsatisfactory situation. Spoken in a Yorkshire accent and combined with 'bastahd', can be very effective.

Jubblies : See mammarial section

Kino : Affectionate name for the cinema because it sounds good. Originates from the German for cinema. (Did you know the German for guinea pig is das meerschweinchen? Haha).

A great kino.

Kiss it : Used in conjunction with 'kiss my grits', this can be a powerful tool of confusion. Typical use: You: "Kiss my grits!", Someone else: "What are grits?", You: "Kiss it!", Someone else: "Oh fuck off". See?! It works.

Kiss my grits : Explained above. Origin: I don't even know what grits are. They can be whatever you want them to be.

Ladz : Landlord, Zaf's term for referring to more than one of his tenants (that's us) at a time. As in, 'All right, ladz?'. Imagine a second hand car dealer saying it and you're almost there.

Lardy cake : Universal foodstuff eaten by the larger peoples of the world (or dippocks to be precise). As in, Q. "Where's Al?" A. "He's off eating his lardy cake.".

Mammarial section : A scientific term for the bosoms of a busty wench (or lady).

A fine pair.

Manging : Fantastic variation of minging. It just sounds better. Can be applied to a bastardisation of 'She Bangs' by Ricky Martin. As in, 'She Mangs, she mangs. Oh baby, yeah...'.

Minging : Origin of manging.

Nincompoop : A favourite of Mike's. Used to describe a silly person.

Oh bugger : Exclaimed in a Yorkshire accent whenever things go tits oop.

Omar : Star of such quality films as Amazing Omar's Gym Sex Adventure and Amazing Omar's Big Black Shagger. With possibly the biggest penile area you will ever see, Omar was first discovered in a bliff mag which boasted of his 13" erectile. One of Omar's videos has since made it into the house, brought from Hull by Richard. Strangely enough Richard has actually had his wig picture sent off by his housemates to the porn superstar to be considered as his next conquest.

Oop : Yorkshire pronunciation of 'up'.

Pastabake : Used to imply masturbation simply becuase it sounds like it. As in, 'Ha ha, do you like to pastabake occasionally?'. This description doesn't do it justice. Apply this term whenever someone is cooking a pasta bake (tuna or chicken - it doesn't matter) and watch for their stunned reaction at such a witty retort.

Pegwin : Pegwin originates from a game devised by Richard Morfitt. The rules are simple. Try to attach a peg to someone in the house. If you achieve it, that person must be called Keith while the peg is attached. When Keith discovers the peg, he becomes the person who has the responsibility to attach it to someone else in the house. Sounds simple, but the fun in the game is calling people 'Keith' who do not have the peg attached, just to make them paranoid. Cackle cackle. However, the game died a death when we used up all the pegs. A revival is required.

Keith Chegwin. Yesterday.

Penalise : Used to imply sexual activity on the part of the male side of things. As in, "I wouldn't mind penalising her and no mistake."

Peni : Plural of penis.

Power dump : A post-hangover movement of one's bowels that magically relieve one's stomach pains (technically known as gut rot) and banging headache.

Quim : Term used by no-one in the world but found in bliff mags preceded by adjectives such as dripping, wet or eager. Usually incorrectly capitalised. As in, 'See Mandy Mound fit five dicks into her dripping Quim'.

Right Cunt : Exclamation at a difficult problem. As in, 'Washing up is a right cunt'.

Royal : A lot. As in, 'He fucked up royal'.

Sack it! : Inoffensive version of Fuckit. Not yet picked up by ITV or BBC in dubbing over bad language in films but just you wait.

Scamazon : Scam used with Amazon to get cheap stuff. Don't tell anyone about this, but get £5 off everything you buy at amazon! The idea is to use the 'refer a friend' scheme where you get a £5 gift voucher for referring a friend. Instead, you refer yourself to get the £5 voucher and another £5 voucher when this 'friend' (i.e. you) buys something! To do this, simply open a new email account (Hotmail will do) and refer this email address from an existing amazon account. Now, use this email to create a new user and buy your item with £5 off! Simple. To avoid suspicion, use fake names. Enjoy.

Keep it hush hush!

Sex wee : Both a verb and a noun. As a verb, masturbation, as in 'I need a sex wee before my balls become the size of basketballs'. As a noun, ejaculate, as in 'Oh shit, I've got sex wee on me duvet.'

SOB : Abbreviation of Son of a Bitch. Technically should be SOAB but doesn't sound as good. Have no idea what the plural is. Is it 'sons of bitches' or 'son of a bitches'? Originates from almost any 70's or 80's action movie.

So there : Best applied at the end of an argument. Finalises your statement with authority. As in, 'I think Al is like a fat Bernard Manning. So there.'

Suck your mum : The worst insult of them all.

T I T : Failed T-shirt design. Simply a T shirt with TIT written on it over the mammarial section. Just like the Hackney and Peckham T-shirts but better. Ha ha.

If this T-Shirt design ever appears on the street, you know who invented it, right?

Twat : Same as T I T but with 'twat' in a fancier typeface.

Up : See 'Oop'.

Vidayo : The proper way to pronounce 'video'.

Vurp : Another Viz term but so true. Those burps that taste foul thanks to the little bit of gut juice that rises up into the back of your mouth. Urgh.

Wanger : A particularly long penis. See Omar.

Whacking off : Doubles as both a masturbation euphamism and to imply leaving. As in, "I'm gonna whack off now". This can mean "I am going to masturbate" or "I am leaving now. Goodbye". No responsibility is held by the webshite if you use this term frequently to imply leaving and end up with a reputation as a wanker.

Zaf : The landlord of the house of bamboo! Practically owns Heslington Road. World domination is weeks away. Real name: Mohammed Zafarelli Zafarino Zafcini Zaffar Iqbal. Write all cheques out to M. Z. Iqbal. Visit Zaf's Curry House on Heslington Road for a fine curry if you're in York.

Zone, The : The point of no return. The point in time during a night (or day) in the pub whereby one has to christen the latrines every half pint or so. Average male zone point is 3.5 pints of lager. Average female zone point is 2 pints. I need a wee now.

hobhome | first year 99-00 | second year 00-01 | third year 01-02 by A. Findlay 2002-2004... 2019
...Until I get bored again.