Not one of the 31,536,000 seconds (figure it out) that were spent in the house were wasted. Well, apart from when we had to work and sleep. So, to bring you the full story of events of the time misspent between 30th June 2000 and 30th June 2001, we have made a timeline for you to peruse. From the first ever house party to the messiest day in the house, it's all here in concise form. To fully understand some of the horrors in this page, maybe you should take a look at the Houze Guide and the Ladz Guide before we start. If you already have the knowledge, then get cracking!

Remember, trying to replicate this behaviour is dangerous and should only be carried out by immature people like us.



The Big Move: So, this was the day it all began. It started with the seven of us, minus one (Richard), getting our gear from Wentworth College B Block over to 54, Heslington Road via parents'/friends'/friends of friends' cars. As soon as we'd get there, the mission was to find the landlord and get the keys. This was the first time that Zaf would refer to us as the ladz. Keys in hand, it was now time to enter the house (as soon as the previous tenants got their arses in to gear and got out)! Our first year of University was well and truly over.

The First Impression: The first couple of hours were spent looking around the house. There were bags of rubbish in the living room, piles of washing up in the kitchen and worrying cracks in the walls that ran right up the side of the house. A worringly foisty odour hung in the air around the kitchen and living room, along with a distinctive smell in the bathroom which can only be described as 'pissfart'. Each of us went to our individual bedroom to discover yet more hidden joys. Toby didn't have a bed, Dan's room had some sort of cocoons hanging from his curtain rail, Ian had a deathtrap for a wardrobe and Mike had a door that could be opened easily with a credit card when locked (this would come in handy later on).

Should I stay or should I go? Having dicovered our rooms, it was time for some of us to depart for a summer away from York. Ian was the first to leave to spend an entire summer at home. The rest of us got together at 5pm in the living room to decide what we should do for the rest of the day. Hmmm, we needed food...

The Big Steal: Not only did we need food, we needed to stock up the kitchen with pans, cutlery and other shit like salt, oil etc. Then, inspiration! Since it was the last day of the University year and that no-one can return to the same college the next year, anything left in the halls was up for grabs! We knew that the place couldn't have been cleaned becuase the cleaners left at 2pm! Wahey! Plus, we still new the code for the doors to get in. After some hesitation, the remaining five set off back to Wentworth B Block, bin bags in hand ready for loot. There was no stopping us as we got inside the halls. Kitchens were ransacked for all manner of stuff including pans, woks, cutlery, pizza cutters, graters, herbs, oils, as well as frozen food, tins and booze. Even a radio did not escape our marauding hands. We didn't feel guilty though - the cleaners would get all this shit when they come to clean it the following day, anyway. Even the bedrooms were infiltrated to steal pillows and bedding for the house. There was no stopping us. Finally, with our bin bags full of swag, we comandeered a nearby trolley and used it to get our stuff back home. Keeping an eye out for college porters and the police, we made it back safely! The kitchen was now looking better already.

Now what? The first night was probably uncomfortable for all five of us, especially Al who had the lumpiest bed in the whole of York. Only 364 days to go!...



I'm off: In the next couple of days, Dan and Toby followed Ian, and went to spend the remainder of the summer holidays back home. This left Al, Mike and Robin to spend the summer in York. Gulp.

The Big Clean-up: The house was not in the greatest shape and so in a fit of energy, Al, Mike and Robin spent four hours cleaning the kitchen. Before the clean-up, the kitchen was in the following state:

• Plug sockets so covered in grease they were black
• The cupboards so covered in grease, they were yellow
• There was a fridge so rotten inside, it made Robin gag. Hehe!
• Plumbing so dodgy that every time the sink was empied, a foul smell filled the house.
• An oven that couldn't have been cleaned in at least 3 years.

The cleanup operation required 2 bottles of bleach, 2 bottles of Domestos spray, 3 pairs of rubber gloves, 10 scouring pads and 3 stupid idiots.

Work!: Oh dear. We couldn't very well sit on our arses for 3 months, so we had to go out and find jobs. 2 weeks into the holiday, Al and Mike settled on KFC and Robin on the Odeon. The Odeon was just across the road from KFC so we pretty much dominated that part of York! Robin let us in for free to see such delights as Scary Movie (erk!) while Mike and Al provided free grubular items courtesy of the Colonel.

Pants throwing: Further investiagation of the inner workings of the house led to Dan's bed being lifted up (since he left his room open for us to use the internet) and the discovery of a pair of green underpants. After throwing them around at each other for a while, we decided to throw them out of the window. Robin took up the challenge so we scampered up to Ian's room at the top of the house and waited for a convenient time to throw the pants out. Getting impatient, Robin decided to lob them out of the window anyway, narrowly missing an elderly woman! Oh, we knew how to have fun!

Infestation: Having jobs that required work into the night, the house was only mainly alive after 11pm. However, thanks to this and the summer climate, we got to see some of the biggest freaking spiders in the history of our lives. It wasn't rare to see a 3 inch big spider zip across the bedroom or living room and scare the shit out of you. Funnily enough, they pretty much disappeared after Al dropped a big heavy movie guide on top of one particular beast.

Porn: On one particularly boring day in the house (and on a rare day off for both Al and Robin), it was decied that we took advantage of the local corner shop (the Mars shop, the corner shop of champions) and its extensive selection of bliff mags. Out of such titles as Teachers Shagging, Over 65, Smut and Lesbo, we decided upon Hot Summer Nights, Over 18s and another one that we can't remember. Anyway, not only did Hot Summer Nights introduce us to the reader's wife Sue from Leeds (brrrrr), it had a special offer that we couldn't turn down - £40 worth of porn for £3! Reluctantly, Al sent off for it and got it a month later. What a load of shit it was! And still, to this day, Al gets porn offers sent to him. Argh.

Resits: Out of the house, Al and Ian had resits thanks to their slacker ways during the first year. This resulted in Ian paying another visit to the house to stay for a while. Resits came and went and we all passed so it worked out all right. Phew!

Spitball Frenzy: After a not unusual visit to MacDonald's, Robin brought back a load of straws for some reason. The opportunity to cause mess was taken up quickly as we formed spitballs and fired at the telly continuously for two whole hours. The fact that Predator was on at the same time made it more exciting as we aimed for Arnie, Apollo Creed and Preddy himself. Wicked! Took ages to clean up the next day though. Bugger.

Everyone's Back! The summertime passed extraordinarily quickly and pretty soon, over the course of one weekend, the house was full for the first time. We were on the verge of living in a student house for the first time in our lives. What could we expect?...


The Unknown: It was the beginning of Week Zero of the second year of our degrees when the first night of madness in the house began. At a loose end because many of us did not have any lectures that week, we decided to have quiet night out and go on a bar crawl across campus. Not only did we all end up blind drunk, Al and Dan managed to steal some lovely deck chairs and run back home with them without attracting the attention of the police. To be honest, they looked lovely in the front garden!

The First House Party: The original and best. It was now the end of the week and we needed to give the house a good introduction to our friends and any other stupid bastard who happened to wander in off the streets. The evening was well-stocked after a trip to Netto, which resulted in us spending £90 on Chekov Vodka, MacArthurs Cream, Stella, and of course, The Baron. The night started innocently enough; we had a few friends around from the first year, chatting and making merry when all of a sudden at about 10pm, the house erupted with no end of stragglers, ruffians and shitkickers. Every single room was overflowing with pissheads, including us lot. People who we hardly knew were convincing us to drink 'Sex Tea' (never to be confused with sex wee), Al was being harassed about his Scotland shirt, Robin was convinced someone had stole his MiniDisc player and Mike almost pulled an 'ugly bird'. Snark! Furthermore, we got our first glimpse of our neighbour who asked us to turn the music down. The night finished at around 4am and Al had to be up at 8 for KFC (why was he still there? Mike had left ages ago!). He made it by the way.

Ian's Poo: We were now a week into the first term proper, and the night seemed to be quiet when all of a sudden, Richard shouted us upstairs to converge around the grim loo for some unknown reason. It became clear why, when a peek into the toilet revealed a turd that an elephant would have been proud of. It had also been there for some time as shown by the brewing of the water. After intense interrogation of the housemates (as in, 'Who the fuck did THAT?!?!?!'), Ian owned up to this gargantuan poo. To this day, we still do not know how he did it. Respect.

Richard's Dressing Gown: Still at the phase of getting used to people's habits, one particular habit of Richard's was to sit in the living room in the middle of the afternoon in a highly offensive dressing gown. Although we quickly came accustomed to it, we still couldn't quite figure out the mysterious stains on the front of it. Hmmm.

Magazine Steal: Dan, being the scoundrel he is, came back from a drunknen night out mysteriously clutching a big pile of magazines. It turned out that the Mars shop had left a delivery of magazines outside unattended and Dan seized the opportunity. The haul included puzzle magazines, a gardening magazine, three identical Pokemon colouring in magazines and, criminally, only one bliff mag.

Mabel: Mabel was the woman of the house for a good two weeks thank to Robin's pulling techniques. By the way, she was made of rubber, required constant blowing up and had no orifices whatsoever. However, she became very dear to our hearts until a fateful night of passion led to her face being ripped off and her body massacred. Oh well.

Al's Proper Rant: For some strange reason (maybe excess consumption of alcohol), Al decided to make his opinions known on curries to the whole house. He shouted loudly at everyone in the room how 'proper' curries should be dark brown, with caramalised onions and 'stringy' chicken for a whole hour before everyone gave up on him and he went to bed. To this day, Al has never lived it down, although it should be known that Thornaby is the only place to get a proper curry.

Oki's: Truly the king of burger vans, Oki's was discovered about three weeks into the term after a night out at the local night club. Oki will forever be remembered as the vendor of the best special burgers around, and also as Richard's honorary father. Oki is now believed to be in jail for killing a rival burger van owner or for putting cats in the doner meat.

Pils: NOT pills - Pils. 6.2% to be precise. Discovered at the Hansom Cab pub in York one night before going on to a night club at only £1.92 a pint no less. A night out in York is not complete without either an Oki burger or a pint of Pils to see you on your way. Consumption of more than four pints is dangerous and can lead to blindness or the belief that you are not socially retarded. And ugly.

Hello? Hello? You cunts!: The benefits of having a house phone is that it can be abused when you live with other people, so we came up with a phantom caller game that you too can try at home!

Robin's 'arrest': 'Twas a night when only Robin and Mike had decided to go out and get pissed. However, rather than come back unbelievably happy and staggery as usual, Mike came back quite concerned (but still staggery), claiming that Robin had been arrested. He and Mike had stolen some bar stools from a college bar but got stopped by the police on the way back. Mike got out of it somehow and came back to leave Robin to face the police. Suddenly, the phone rang and it was Robin, asking if anyone knew a good lawyer as he had been arrested. Concerned, we tried to think how to help when the bastard came through the door on his mobile phone. Goddammit!!

End of the first term: Pretty unspectacular to be honest. But the first term was nothing compared to the second term!...



We all went home. That's it. No really.


We're back!: First term under our belts and no serious illnesses (somehow) we all came back to a lovely clean house thanks to Al, Mike and Robin AGAIN! However, it got messed up within three days pretty easily. Nothing could have prepared us for the tomfoolery of that second term...

The House Party 2: After the raging success of the first house party, and the fact that Al didn't have to be up for KFC anymore (he had left at last), it was decided a second house party was in need and that it should eclipse the first one by a mile. Let's just say that it took a while to get going. So much so, that Al, Richard and Toby buggered off to the pub at 10 o' clock. When they got back, however, the party had started - and in some style. Already, someone had chucked up in the grim loo and refused to come out. The door had to be kicked in the get the unnamed person out and to this day the lock has not been fixed. The best was yet to come when at three in the morning, the neighbour who we had first seen at the previous house party, decided enough was enough and had a full-blown scream at Mike who was unfortunate enough to answer the door. It was Dan's fault as well! The party was therefore another raging success! And we hardly ever talked to our neighbour again (apart from Richard who she told that she was psychic. Uhoh).

The Condom Family: Since Wednesday afternoons were free and we were too bone-idle to actually partake of any wholesome activities, we decided to find out new and exciting ways of passing the time. After nabbing a load of free condoms from a campus bar and then finding out we had no use for them (d'oh), we decided to test the water holding capacity of a condom. This led to experiments of filling the condoms in the sink and then the bath. Having filled around three or four condoms in the bathtub, we decided that they should be the condom family - Big Daddy, Vaginia and Little Jonny Condom. Oh dear. Try it out for yourself!

Alas poor chair: In the living room we had one three seat settee and two one seat chairs. The gradual destruction of one of the chairs begin when Al rather enthusiastically parked his big fat ass down and bust a few springs under the seat. The damage was compounded as Richard would sit on the chair by crouching on it and pushing the seat lower and lower down. We finally decided to throw the chair out when we found out that there were some quite sharp rusty old springs under the seat which could cause a lot of damage to the anal and testicular region. RIP crappy old chair.

Burglar Alarm Game: Another product of Wednesday afternoon boredom (now the fourth Wednesday of the term). See the games to play at home section.

Fake come day: Al and Richard must have gone stir crazy on this day. With flour, water, toothpaste and empty washing up liquid bottles reaidly available, the two ragamuffins decided to see what mixture would make up the best fake come. It turned out that one requires:

• Water: To provide the base of the come.
• Flour: For the colour and texture.
• Washing Up liquid: For extra stickiness and some foam.
• Washing up liquid bottle (or other squeezable bottle): For firing the come.

With the fake come ready, Al and Richard then proceeded to spray the whole house (particularly the kitchen and bathroom) with the foul concoction. It made a satisfying sizzling sound when it struck the ceiling lights mind you.

Die Bannister!: Halfway through the second term, we had perfected slacking and made it into an art form. However, for one to be a true slacker, one must also take part in meaningless destruction of their rented accomodation. Anyway, one afternoon Al was particuarly curious about the strength of the bannister considering the house must have been at least sixty years old. Ever willing to help his friends out, Robin promptly kicked through one of the struts to demonstrate the weakness of the bannister. 'Well,' thought Al.

A nice night out: Approaching the end of the second term, truly a night to remember. The night started innocently enough - a typical night out to the local night club, preceded by a visit to the Hansom Cab. However, the crucial factor in this night was the somewhat excessive consumption of four or five pints of Pils.

The journey back from the night club at 2:30am will go down in history. Having consumed an Oki special burger, Al, Dan, Ian and Richard made their way back home. However, since it had been snowing that night, we decided to make snow angels in the middle of the road. This wasn't enough and we were soon pissing our names in the snow. This still wasn't enough - we needed more. The opportunity then presented itself: the locked city walls! Climbing the locked gate that led to the walls was surprisingly easy given the state we were in. Al, Dan and Richard made it over, but Ian couldn't be arsed and continued on home.

Once back inside, the three of us sat in the living room in only our pants, discussing the events of that night. Reality finally dawned upon us, and at around half four, we all retired to our rooms and collapsed, not before Dan almost went outside in his pants to get a pint of milk from the milkman.

Destruction of the Lightshade: Now at the very end of the second term, our gradual destruction of the house was still not over. Having managed to get their hands on a replica sword (thanks to a charity thing Robin, Richard, Ian and Mike were doing), Al and Richard proceeded to prod the big paper lightshade in the living room. This wasn't enough and so Al began to lunge at it. Richard had a go too until one fateful swing sent the big paper ball crashing to the floor. 'Oh well,' they thought, 'didn't like it much anyway.'

Bannister fire spectacular: Kids, do not try this at home, unless your parents are away. Everyone knows that deodorants and lighters make wicked flamethrowers. However, we wanted to take it to the next step and began spraying smiley faces on the walls and setting them alight to try and form smiley faces in fire. However, they weren't that spectacular, so we decided to make a big fire trail go up the bannister - that would look wicked! Having doused the bannister in almost a quarter of a can of deodorant, we set fire to it. The effect was impressive and is worth trying! However, note that the house will stink of deodorant for about a day afterwards and your house will almost go up in flames if you have washing hanging near the bannister (oops).

Oh my God: Freaking hell! We'd been living in the house for nine months now! Roll on Easter...


Zzzz: After such a riotous second term, the Easter holidays could only be quieter. The first couple of weeks of the holiday were a welcome respite. Although the house wasn't finished with us quite yet. Uhoh.

Omar: Oh dear oh dear. We knew Richard had returned from his Easter holidays when he brought back Omar. Omar's Gym Sex Adventure on VHS to be precise. Possessing probably the largest wanger you'll ever see, the video itself is painful to watch as he virtually kills three or four quite unattractive girls. Curiously enough the tape is worn in three or four key places. Hmmm.

The Webpage: Needing a distraction from imminent examinations and assessments, Al decided to create a webshite. He needed to do something remotely linked to his course so he decided to make a crappy website about the house. And here it is! Great isn't it? No? Then, FUCK YOU! So there.

Richard's Birthday: Let's face it, this is Richard we're talking about so there is no way that this birthday was going to be a sedate affair. Anyways, the house was fuller than ever what with Robin's, Dan's and Richard's friends staying over for the night. The night quickly descended into insanity with Al dancing by himself (I wonder why) in The Gallery nightclub in the middle of an empty dancefloor. Funnily enough, the normally jovial DJ's told Al to fuck off the dancefloor and Dan's friends even thought he was on some sort of hallucinogenic. Oh dear. Later that night, Richard's friends decided to leave the club early only to return to an alarmed house. They managed to get in but set off the alarm to which they didn't know the code. Subsequently, the police and Zaf got involved, with none of the house members present. Shiiiiit! The rest of the night was a blur to say the least.


The Final Stretch: At last, we had made it to the final term of the year (and the final two and half months of living in the house - boohoo). It was now the middle of April and at last the Sun was making reluctant appearances. The house was in the worst shape it had been in for some time, not only in terms of untidiness, but also in terms of property destruction and overdue bills requiring payment. We had ten weeks to sort it all out. Gulp.

Thumb breakage: Ever wondered how long you can put off paying a phone bill? Well, we didn't but it turns out you can leave it a good three weeks after you get a letter threatening you with people coming round to break your thumbs if you don't pay up. We eventually got round to paying it after a huge energy outburst, which also encompassed cleaning up the living room and kitchen. Didn't last long though...

Omar strikes back: It had to happen. The video was already playing up when one fateful evening, an unnamed house member decided to partake of some Omar viewing. It turns out that when you combine a dodgy pirate copy of a dodgy porn film with a crappy rented video player, you get... YES! A knackered video player. For the remaining two or three weeks of the term, the player could only play sound but no picture. When viewing Omar, the effect was like watching a blocked porn channel on Sky but infinitely more disturbing. Hope Radio Rentals don't notice it's fucked. Haha!

Woodstock: An outdoor University of York version of Woodstock with generally awful bands (apart from a couple at the end), terrible 'burgers' and overpriced beer. But this didn't stop some members of the house from making complete tits of themselves, especially Mike and Al. The two managed to get their hands on an old-fashioned horn and honk it at inappropriate times, whilst loudly exclaiming 'Honk if you're horny', 'I've got the horn', and of course, 'I give you the horn, don't I?' Later on in the night, Al had given up with the outdoor scene and went inside where he drunkenly took on all-comers at pool. And won! So there.

The Final Night Out: We were now into the final week of term and therefore the final week of living in the house. We had to celebrate appropriately. It was unlikely we could all be there on the final night so we decided that Tuesday night's final campus event would be the night. All seven us got suited up and proceeded to get completely wankered. It was one of only three or four nights in the whole year that all seven of us got our arses into gear and all went out together.

The night started pretty steadily, what with the bar being packed to the rafters and the booze flowing like mud. However, it only took a couple of hours to get properly soused, as the queues died down, and we could therefore act the goat for at least one last time! It must be said that Al and Richard waltzed beautifully on the dance floor, until Richard decided to jump on Al. At which point, Al had the crazy idea of spinning him round only to slip up on the lager covered floor and cause the two to come crashing down like a pair of bastards. Oh well.

Undeterred, Al still managed to slip up a further three times and also get blitzed late in the night for dancing on the stage where the live bands had been playing earlier. Richard also refused to leave the event by lying outside and not letting anyone help him up. The night had went well.


So, this was it. The final day. The house was still in quite a state, despite a late night clean up by Al, Robin and Richard a couple of days earlier. A final review of the damage reveals the destruction of:

• A bannister
• A chair
• Richard's door (from breaking it down when he locked himself out)
• The grim loo lock
• A lightshade (now replaced)
• A rented video player
• Several pieces of wallpaper (peeled off in boredom)
• A telephone (unknown)
• A grill
• Items thrown out by Al, including several plates, glasses, a sieve (yes I admit it now!) and a wok.

Ian and Mike left on Friday, leaving Toby, Dan, Richard and Al to leave on Saturday (the 30th). Robin left all on his own on Sunday! The 365 days spent in the house had been wasted, true, but we can safely say it was an experience to say the least. Hopefully, we will never have to live in such a shithole again, but still it would be great to live in a house with the same sort of guys. Sniffle. Oh well. Roll on third year chaps!!!