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The House Of Bamboo, 1999 and beyond

third year 01-02
Lindley Diary : Oh! It's D. It's D.
If you've been reading this website in chronological order, you may get the impression that many of us didn't take our education too seriously. The fact is, we did take education seriously. Only at the points when it threw up exams and the like. The rest of the time (approximately 87% of it) was spent larking around. And here, dear reader, you can indulge yourself, as we indulged ourselves, in the trials and tribulations of the wondrous period known as third year.

For added comfort, the Lindley Diary does not include the many vast intellectual debates we had about flatulence, masturbation, hip hop, films, Big Brother, alcohol, tea-making, women, takeaways, money, sleep and masturbation. It also does not take into account the periods of stress, panic and overall melancholy of actually knuckling down and doing some, deep breath, work.

So, lie down, relax and let the world of Lindley Court House D envelop you for, oh, I'd say a good five minutes.

Weeks 0-9 (October 2001 to December 2001)

We're Back! : Well, at least four of us, anyway. Al, Dan, Richard and Toby of House of Bamboo fame reconvened after three months spent at home, along with eight other miscreants, under the roof of Lindley Court House D of Halifax College. Phew. The first day was spent in polite conversation about the University and the like, when it became apparent to all that there were in fact nine third years and three first years living in the house. The day came to a ragged close, the first years probably crying themselves to sleep over the fact that they would be spending most of next year with a right bunch of bastards. How right they would be...

Fire Alarms (part one) : The first three or four days spent in the house were occupied with unpacking, getting acquainted with the surroundings and generally engaging in the standard 'What degree are you doing' conversations. However, the tone of what was to come in the following 365 years was immediately set by the room 13 occupant known as Aaron Tinney. Mr. Tinney in his infinite wisdom decided to make some toast in his room using the kitchen toaster. The only problem was he forgot all about it and set off the freaking fire alarm. At 2 in the morning, no less. What followed was a lecture from the firemen and a few frowns gestured in the direction of Tinney. However, he wouldn't be the only arsonist the house had to offer...

Oy gobshite! : Following a lovely night out at Toffs, Richard decided to impress the neighbourhood with his newly-acquired record player and record collection, by playing 'Grandma We Love You' at full volume. Of course, not all members of the University share in such sentiments, as demonstrated by a member of House F calling Richard a 'gobshite'. Was Lindley D beginning to get a reputation?

Fire Alarms (part two) : Still in the first week of term and a second fire alarm is caused by Lindley D. This time at the more un-Godly hour of 3am. And why? Brett (probably in Vampire mode) cooking beefburgers and burning them, that's why. Again, we got the same lecture from the firemen, who somehow forgot about the last alarm, and also mistook us for first years. Goddamn their eyes! This little incident also cemented D's reputation immediately, as impetuous neighbours exclaimed 'Oh! It's D again! It's D!' Slack-jawed troglodytes.

Shithead : Thankfully, the house had a nice, big kitchen and so it wasn't unusual for several house members to sit around the table for a nice, quiet game of Shithead, the card game of champions. Regular Shithead sessions lasted for up to five hours at a time, with Rock the unofficial champion and Dan as the official loser. Regalier!

I wouldn't say no : It makes sense that the two old women of the house, Al and Richard, would incorporate tea-drinking into the house. Deprived of a teapot, they could still make a fine brew to sup while discussing the events of the day. 'I wouldn't say no' is the standard repsonse to being asked if one would like a cup of tea. May we recommend Yorkshire Tea and a Classic biscuit on the side. Yes!

Page 3 Gallery : More kitchen antics reared their ugly head when we decided to create a gallery of all the Page 3 girls from copies of the Sun and the Star we had lying around. Surprisingly, the gallery flourished quite well, drawing disgusted looks from nosy parkers looking through the kitchen window. However, the gallery died a swift death after we started putting up pornography (partially hidden by other posters). Some people just go too far.

It's gotta be Toffs, Toffs, Toffs! : Approaching the middle of term, Toffs nightclub returned to be crowned the king of the three town nightclubs. In the second year, The Gallery reigned supreme what with its funky 60's thing on Thursday nights. However, in the third year, Toffs bounced back inexplicably and The Gallery was shunned to the sidelines. No one knows why this occurred, but would it last?

Ken Manchild : Dubbed Ken by the Lindley D House, the cleaner cut a pretty anonymous figure in the house. However, he would always clean the entire house efficiently and without complaint even if no end of shite was spread around the kitchen. His unfortuate surname is derived from his timesheet, spotted when the cleaner's cupboard was left open one bright, sunny day. We love you, Ken!

Naughty but Nice Neighbours : Lindley D was quickly re-affirming it's reputation time and time again. However, this incident may have suggested we weren't alone in our attitude toward Halifax College residents.

A particular suspect of noise pollution was Aaron, who would continuously play the chorus of 'Sweet Child of Mine' on his guitar. Tinney wasn't so inconsiderate to play during the morning hours but this didn't stop a particularly psychotic neighbour to ritually complain to the University porters anyway. It finally transpired that she was moved by the University to harrass other people, as explained by a lovely letter we received from the house she lived in. Had we found our partners in crime? No.

Keith 4 Chair : We were rapidly approaching the end of the first term, and in University terms, this means the student body elections are just around the corner. O joy! For the uninitiated, student body elections are mainly made up of self-important people annoying everyone else with phony ideas that they will never carry out, just so they can have something to put on their CV. Something had to be done. Enter Keith Chegwin.

The obsession with Keith had reached such a stage that Al and Richard decided that he was knowledgeable and personable enough to become the 'Chair' of the college. What followed was a post-midnight poster campaign highlighting Keith's policies, which included '24hr big screen porn in the bar', 'stripper nights' and 'the provision of a duck-powered monorail between Halifax College and the rest of the campus'. Of course, it didn't go down well with the squares of the college but the election results were left undisclosed so we will never truly know how popular Keith's reign would have been.

Bah Humbug : Christmas was on it's way and for many, lectures were over (even before they began for some). To celebrate, several of the house members decided to go off to the Halifax campus event. As with many of these events, not many people turned up so this left plenty of room for Al, Dan, Andy and Richard to dance the night away beautifully.

Well, piss off then : We still here? The first term had reached it's end. Even though we'd had our fair share of hijinks, it was nothing compared to the second term. Uh oh.

Weeks 10-19 (January 2002 to March 2002)

The term of work : Unlike Wentworth, we had the rooms for 38 week lets rather than 30 week lets. This meant the ritual of packing up all our gear to take home and then bring back after Christmas was not required. Phew. 2002 heralded a new dawn in the work arena for many of us. Al and Blonde Tom had exams in the first week to look forward to, as well as the completion of a yet-to-be-started 3 month project in the subsequent ten weeks. Truly, this was a term of work. Or would it be? No. Again.

Scrabble : If term one was the term of Shithead, term two was the term of Scrabble. The novelty of Shithead had already worn off before Richard returned with a mighty selection of board games, of which Scrabble rapidly became the house favourite. And we'd destroyed all five packs of cards anyway.

We meet again, MD Berrill : The lure of joining his House of Bamboo cohorts proved just too strong for Mike, who returned to campus accomodation a little into the second term. Situated just around the corner in House F, Mike would ultimately provide the link between our house and - shock! - actual females.

(Bin) surf's up! : One or two weeks into the term, the first real night of madness took place thanks to the effects of wine, or as Al affectionately calls it, 'vino'. The night started with a few drinks in the bar followed by a gathering in the kitchen. Al mistakenly then proceeded to drink wine, recognising the effect it had on him by chanting 'I can't take my vino, I can't take my vino...' Oh, I forgot to mention that all this is on tape somewhere, as Richard brought his bazooka-sized camcorder back with him after Christmas and captured the events of this night for all to see.

Anyway, Al, true to form, rapidly became soused and proceeded outside, where he comandeering a wheelie bin, sat atop it and 'surfed'. Of course, this led to disaster as the bin almost crashed into a bollard and Al had to quite literally jump ship. To this day, Al refuses to watch the tape even though it has been shown to everyone who had paid a visit to D. Gargh.

'General Partying' : Our first official warning. The actual reason for this first slap on the wrists was actually caused by the speech generator on Al's then-new computer and not the above event, as one may have deduced. Ever-willing to find the comedy in the most mundane things, Al, Dan and Richard whacked up the computer speakers to full volume, sat them on the window frame and used the speech generator to insult the adjacent house. This didn't go down too well and the official warning resulted.

Oh no! Not Lindley D : At least all our efforts were not in vain. A bog-standard post-midnight rampage around Halifax College resulted in Al, Dan and Richard ensconcing in a random house, all in the name of community spirit, mind you. However, events rapidly soured as we innocuously mentioned we were from Lindley D. This led to one of the girls giving us a disgusted look, exclaiming 'Oh no! Not Lindley D!'. Of course, we took great delight in this minor revelation that were now world famous. Yes!

Chutney Ferret : Without doubt, the funniest night in Lindley D's history and proof, if proof need be, that we were one of the worst accomodation blocks on campus.

As with all these nights, the night started quite innocently, with a few drinks around campus. Upon our return to the kitchen, we decided to play Dare, from Richard's newly-acquired board game selection. So far so dull. However, madness was soon around the corner as we were interrupted by a drunken knock at the window. A friend of Mike's recognised the buffoon as his Thai Boxing coach, no less, and invited him in.

Obviously heavily soused, and carrying an almost empty vodka bottle, our new found friend proceeded to insult everyone and anyone in the kitchen. In particular, he referred to Toby as a 'Chutney Ferret'. Things started to get a bit out of hand as the ruffian began to threaten people and wouldn't leave (incidentally, Mike's friend, who had invited this guy in, had long since left). Henceforth, everybody left him in the kitchen, as Al and Toby proceeded to meet the takeaway guy to pick up a delivery.

This is where things get bizarre. As Al and Toby are walking up to another college to pick up their takeaway, a police car asks where Halifax College is. We duly oblige, not before noticing an ambulance heading in exactly the same direction. What was going on? Al and Toby return to Halifax College, thanks to a lift from the takeaway guy and immediately spot the police car and ambulance outside Lindley Court. Uhoh.

Fearing the worst, Al and Toby return to house D, trying to sneak a peek in the kitchen window to see if we were the cause of the fuss. Entering the house we are greeted by three ambulance men, two porters and two police officers trying in vain to get the Thai boxing guy out of the kitchen. Furrowed brows were sent in our direction as we deny all knowledge and are instructed to go to bed by the fuzz.

'Oh no! It's Lindley D', indeed.

Fire Alarms (part three) : Another fire alarm, this time caused by Wacky Phil and Little Phil having a waterfight in the ground floor corridor. Some of the water splashed on the fire alarm, inexplicably setting it off. This being the third fire alarm caused by D, the head of the college paid us all a visit and we received our second written warning. They were beginning to look good pinned up on the kitchen message board!

At least the Yanks get one thing right : Being frustrated single men, Al and Aaron decided to partake of some pornography. Of course, being gentlemen, they ordered the video through mail order rather than suffer the indignity of buying it from an actual licensed sex shop. Lord, no. The video of choice was Barely Legal 2 from the mages at Hustler. What we got for our £20 was some top quality pornography, including a scene with two cheerleaders screaming as if they were being killed with pain. Bargain!

"Can I have you out of your beds please?" : It would turn out that Ken the Cleaner would be leaving us soon, as indicated by the fewer appearances he was making in the house towards the end of the second term. In his place, we had three witches who would continually lambast us for things Ken would be far too mild-mannered to care about. This soundbite represents the first time we would be introduced to our new cleaners, at 8am in the morning, no less. Things were making a turn for the worse.

Fake Vomit : Budding anarchists Al, Dan and Richard were not very happy with Halifax College, especially the 'events' that would be laid on in the campus bar. To cause trouble, the three varmints cooked up some fake vomit to be used at will outside the event. Ah ah ah! It turns out, via trial and error, a good fake vomit is composed of:
  • 60% Smash
  • 20% Milk
  • 5% Lager
  • 5% Cereal
  • 4% HP Sauce
  • 3% Leftovers
  • 3% Sputum
Francs for the mammary (Ha!) : Hmm. Have to be careful here. More so than in the first term, the second term was spent trying to get acquainted with some of the neighbours. However, being social retards, this took the form of insults (Aaron), drunken leching (Dan) and random chanting (Al, Toby). The target of the random chanting was a girl who lived in the adjacent house, famed because Al continually perved on her from his room (No!). Anyway, this continued well into third term too. Truly, what a sad bunch we were.

Dangling tentacles : So, we're now at the end of a hectic term again. Al and Blonde Tom managed to finish off their projects having spent three weeks in and out of Vampire mode. The various states of mind the projects were written in were reflected by the contents of the project reports. Al managed to work in the phrase 'dangling tentacles' four times in one paragraph, while Blonde Tom managed to fit in the word 'naive' at every opportunity. Of course, it must be noted that Ginger Tom is the master of bizarre report-writing, managing to work in 'Noel Edmonds', 'Mary Poppins' and 'Santa Claus' into his ouevre.

Recovery : My, how time flies. The third term was almost upon us and would, for many of us, represent the term in which most of the hard work had to be carried out. Third class degrees were still on the cards. How would we fare? And, could we stop horsing around for just once?...

Weeks 20-29 (April 2002 to June 2002)

The Final Final Stretch : The final ten weeks of University life (for some of us anyway) were now facing us square in the chops. We had seventy days to turn around our degrees. But that didn't stop us from stooping to levels of depravity never seen before in the city of Lindley Court. Bring it on!

Sink to a new low : Not one of Al's proudest moments so let's be brief. He pissed in another house's kitchen sink, OK? All thanks to Wine Strike.

I could kick your ass! : A night at the Charles a couple of weeks into the third term provided the catalyst for this particular incident. In the middle of polite conversation with his chums, Al is interrupted by a guy from the house which so gleefully provided the urination-kitchen sink interface. It turns out there were no hard feelings and we are invited back to the house. Al, Dan and Toby stagger back to the house, only to be met by more of the house residents, obviously soused and feeling violent. This leads to Al and Toby being threatened menacingly, particularly Toby, who is confronted by a Yank, claming to be a black belt in 'karate'. Of course, being light-hearted fellows we take it in jest and a fun night was had by all. Not before we called them all wankers and ran off into the night. That'll learn 'em.

Weeeeeeeeeee : This night is badly smeared by alcohol once again, but it led to Al and Toby comandeering a chair from the computer room, taking it outside, and proceeding to 'do a Jackass'. Al sat in the chair and egged on Toby to push him faster and faster towards inanimate objects. Of course, it all ended in tears as we draw the attentions of irate college members and ultimately college porters. It was four in the morning after all. Still, spoilsports, eh?

Vortex : Remember we had to still finish off our degrees? Well, the middle to end of the term was spent doing just that. Hence, not much in the way of hilarious hijinks. Not to worry, let's skip forward a couple of weeks...

I'm blind! : Which brings us neatly into the final fortnight of the third term. Exams over for most of us, we could finally let our hair down once again. And we all know what means. Yes! Yet more wanton destruction and unfathomable commitment to drinking VK Iron Brew.

Twas a night unlike any other, as a Halifax College campus event acutally ends with some of us having a good time. However, to further satisfy our biological urges, several of us, including Mike, Andy, Dan, Richard and Al join hands together to take part in the wholesome sport of bush-diving. Incredibly missed by the porters, we retreat back to Mike's house. Not before Rock pushes Al around in a trolley which ultimately leads to him careering into a tree, falling out and almost breaking his elbow.

However, it isn't long before Al notices the nakedness around his nose. Mein gott, where were his glasses? Never to be found again that's what. Apparently lost during the bush-diving episode, there still exists a small part of Al under the brush. Awww.

"Helloooo?" : Go away! Ken long gone, and the new irate cleaners in place, we were subjected to this chilling greeting one fateful morning. Obviously fed up with our house, the head cleaner wakes us all up in the early hours of the morning to tidy up the kitchen. Even locked doors couldn't keep her out as she barged in to all of our rooms, some of us unfortunately indulging in pre-wake up frivolties, so to speak. Dan, being the wily young ragamuffin he is, managed to hide himself in the wardrobe before the cleaner broke into his room, leaving Al, Rock and Andy to take hell for it all. Bastardo.

Final Night Out : Buoyed by the results Al and Blonde Tom received for three years non-hard work, several members of the house proceed to a night out at The Gallery for one final evening of drunken antics and general insanity. Of course, it was a raging success what with photographic evidence indicating the desecration of Dick Turnip's grave, final exchanging of pleasantries with the Oki's van, lasciviousness in the gents toilets and all-round roguery where the womenfolk were concerned. In fact, Al got further with any girl he had ever done so before in the previous three years after she threatened to beat him up, not before telling him to 'fuck off and die'. Score!

Insanity Prevails : Time flies when you're being annoyed. And so, it came to be that the last night of Aaron's, Al's, Dan's, Richard's, Blonde Tom's and Ginger Tom's University career was upon them. After the Thursday night antics of before, the night should have been subdued. However, another night at the Charles pub put paid to that.

Back at the house a massive cook-out was underway, encompassing family steak pies, chicken kievs, turkey escalopes, waffles and chips. Enjoying our feast, we were rudely interrupted by Aaron bursting in, pissed, proudly brandishing a fire extinguisher. He then proceeded to soak the kitchen and neighbouring houses before discarding of the extinguisher in nearby bushes. It was all right though because we got a replacement from another house. In addition, Rock decided to keep the house sign as a memento and snapped it off. Unusually feeling a twang of responsibility, Al instructed Rock to put the sign back. To this day, the Lindley D sign is still held up by Blu-Tak. How poetic.

The rest of the night was spent packing, with Dan offering up many of his old clothes to his housemates. Of course, none of them fit us but this didn't stop Al from putting on five layers of clothing and looking like a gorilla. Furthermore, Aaron and Al proceeded to throw unused light bulbs out of the window and a bottle of HP Sauce. Truly, Lindley Court had not known what had hit them.

The Last Day of Uni Ever : This is the end, beeyooootiful friend. 3 years, £11,000 and zero lady friends later and University is over. The last day wasn't really a day as those who were up in the early morning hours said their goodbyes and left. It hadn't really sunk in at this stage that we had actually finished our degree. After all, we still had graduation and the grad ball to look forward too. As well as the dole, it would turn out. Sod.

A quick look at the statistics for third year reveals the following interesting information:

  • Number of people annoying by Aaron : 15
  • Housemates with steady girlfriend : 1
  • Take-away popularity : Fried : 70%, Grill : 15%, Ali's : 10%, Efe's : 5%
  • Broken mirrors : 1
  • Biggest time-wasting activity: IS
  • Most hair shed in shower : Brett
  • Nightclub poularity : Gallery : 55%, Toffs : 35%, Ziggy's : 10%
  • Best film of the year : Spiderman
  • Number of follow-throughs : 3
  • Worst song of the year : Hey Baby
  • Drink of Choice : The Strike
  • Those who left : Aaron, Al, Brett, Dan, Richard, Blonde Tom, Ginger Tom
  • Those who stayed : Andy, Little Phil, Wacky Phil, Rock, Toby
  • Overall : 84%

Goodbye University of York 1999-2002. We hardly knew ye...

hobhome | first year 99-00 | second year 00-01 | third year 01-02 by A. Findlay 2002-2004... 2019
...Until I get bored again.