Did you ever see The Dirty Dozen? Twelve mismatched, but loveable, criminals
are pressed into completing an almost impossible mission under the guise of the
laconic Lee Marvin. In the end they all die but they get the mission done, and
in some style too.
Now, think of the twelve bastards that occupied Lindley D as the criminals and
Lee Marvin as, erm, Ken the Cleaner. The mission of course was to complete
third year and get some sort of degree out of the three years at York. But,
they don't die. And some of us were on a four year course and still had another
year to go. Hang on, this is a bit of a crap analogy isn't it?
Never mind. Here we present to you the
'Lindley Dozen' for your
edutainment and personal safety. Remember the faces and cross over to the other
side of the street when you see them coming. Arhrghr!
Ground Floor In-mates
Robert Coates
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Age: 19
Aliases: Rock, Rockin' Rob
Cell #: 01
Charge: BSc Mathematics
Sentence: 3 years
Profile: We hate to admit it, but Rock was all right. Gah! The only
first year who managed to earn the respect of at least some of the third years,
Rock was constantly under the impression that he was good at ISS. Now to be
seen around the Tang Hall area, approach with caution.
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Philip Marshall
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Age: 19
Aliases: Little Phil
Cell #: 02
Charge: BSc Mathematics
Sentence: 3 years
Profile: Little Phil was probably the best behaved in the house and as
such not much is known about this particular first year. The first of the two
Phils alphabetically, he had a canoe in his room, which may or may not have
been used for canoeing. Shocker.
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First Floor In-mates
Thomas Joslin
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Age: 21
Aliases: Blonde Tom, Blondezvous
Cell #: 11
Charge: BSc Computer Science
Sentence: 3 years
Profile: Along with Al, has recently completed a three year sentence in
Computer Science. Blonde could frequently be heard to
'freestyle' 'rap' and 'hip hop' with his fellow in-mates, Andy and Dan. Also,
the only one of the chaps to finish Uni with a girlfriend. YOU CUNT!
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Philip Young
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Age: 19
Aliases: Wacky Phil, Fil
Cell #: 12
Charge: BSc Mathematics
Sentence: 3 years
Profile: The second of the first year Phils, Wacky Phil gained a
reputation as being the craziest first year in the house after bringing back a
roadwork cone back to D one night. Also responsible, along with Little Phil,
for one of the four fire alarms Lindley D incurred.
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Aaron Tinney
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Age: 21
Aliases: Tinnoir, Aero Tiny
Cell #: 13
Charge: BA English Literature
Sentence: 3 years
Profile: Master Tinney is the most dangerous of the 'Lindley Dozen'.
Frequently seen to be picking fights at campus events, he should be avoided at
all costs. Constantly hurls abuse at neighbours and has recently gained a
reputation as a wife-beater.
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Dan Carvalho
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Age: 21
Aliases: Cardiaclo
Cell #: 14
Charge: BSc Economics
Sentence: 3 years
Profile: Another HoB survivor, Dan cooled his sleaze tactics off
considerably in the final year. However if you happen to work for Costcutters
keep your distance. Other wholesome activities Master Carvalho took part in
included bush-diving, playing ISS and general tomfoolery.
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Alistair Findlay
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Age: 21
Aliases: Alan, Fat Al
Cell #: 15
Charge: BSc Computer Science
Sentence: 3 years
Profile: During the third year, Al could be seen to be taking part in
many nocturnal activities such as bin-riding, rollerblading, caterwauling and
generally disturbing the peace. A former HoB recruit, Al is now recovering from
his three year sentence as a CompSci.
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Richard Morfitt
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Age: 21
Aliases: Morf, Morfamillion
Cell #: 16
Charge: BSc Mathematics
Sentence: 3 years
Profile: Occasional songwriter and frequent stoner Morf was the first of
the dozen to seal D's reputation as noisy bastards. A mere week into the third
year, Master Morfitt played 'Grandma We Love You' at full volume on his
newly-acquired record player at 2am. The neighbours duly responded with
derogatory claims that Richard was a 'gobshite'. How astute they were.
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Second Floor In-mates
Thomas Levitt
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Age: 21
Aliases: Ginger Tom, Madman
Cell #: 21
Charge: BA History
Sentence: 3 years
Profile: The second of the Toms, Ginger gained a swift reputation as
being the most mentally imbalanced of the twelve. Has a particular skill in
including the most bizarre references in his History essays (Noel Edmonds
anyone?) and possesses a flair for picking football XI's. In other words, avoid
if you wish to remain sane.
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Andy Southcombe
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Age: 21
Aliases: Andrew
Cell #: 22
Charge: MSc Physics
Sentence: 4 years
Profile: Andy is still serving his four year sentence in Physics. Will
be seen roaming around the Kwik Save area of York next year so be warned.
He should be avoided at all costs, especially if you happen
to have chocolate digestives on your person.
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Toby Whiffin
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Age: 21
Aliases: Tobias
Cell #: 23
Charge: BEng Electronics
Sentence: 4 years
Profile: Toby managed to continue his trend for alcoholism into the
third year by discovering the most lethal drink known to man, White Strike.
Furthermore, combined with white wine in a pint glass to create 'Wine Strike'.
Also, heard to disturb neighbours with bottle throwing and name-chanting.
Verdict: Souse.
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Brett Curtis
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Age: 26
Aliases: The Enigma
Cell #: 24
Charge: BSc Computer Science
Sentence: 3 years
Profile: Mr. Curtis did his three years in two stages, finishing off his
final year six years after his first two. In his final year, gained an
immediate reputation as an arsonist, rarely ever to be seen during the daylight
hours. Will probably never be seen again come to think of it.
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